Brush With Death
No, I'm not talking about the last moments of the Packers-Vikings-Denver-Cardinals games, I'm talking about me, Friday night, outside
Schuba's down in Chicago.
Schuba's sits on an intersection with stop lights in all directions. I was walking directly across the street in the crosswalk when a white Ford Explorer sped through the intersection, not seeing me. The Explorer was coming towards me and turning left in front of me. I stopped, let the Explorer pass, and then proceeded immediately after it passed.
As I got halfway across the street, a black Expedition came along at a high rate of speed as if it was following the Explorer. In the crude diagram below, I'm trying to illustrate that the Expedition cut the corner really close, putting it on a direct path with me.
It's wheels were squealing around the corner and I could hear the engine rev as the driver planned to accelerate through the intersection. When I saw the Expedition, it was approximately 20 feet away from me and bearing down quickly.
Lots of things briefly go through your mind at moments like that. I briefly thought about the pain of being smashed by the grill, I briefly thought "should I stop, go back, or jump ahead?"
The Expedition saw me at this point, and swerved to it's left at the same time I decided my only chance was to run ahead towards Schuba's.
Fortunately, the Expedition then swerved to it's right as I scampered safely onto the sidewalk. The SUV missed me by about 6 feet. Looking back, the SUV was traveling so fast that it really could not change it's trajectory. Had I not saw the SUV coming and decided to jump ahead when I did, I might not have made it to the other side of the street.
I continued running straight into Schuba's, noticing that about 5-10 people sitting in the window of the bar saw the whole thing happen. They stared at me, scanning my expression for a look of terror or relief or shock, but felt relatively calm. I never really felt like my life was in danger until later that night when I relayed the story to friends.
A few beers, a great
Crime and Judy show, a long drive, and I was home, in bed, and asleep by 2am.
Small Miracles
The Vike-queens vanquished, the division title back where it belongs, another short work week, ...time to
celebrate.
Suburbanites are Really F@cked Up
There are many reasons why I don't want to live in the suburbs. Of course I want to stay close to whatever limited "action" this city offers, I want my child to grow up seeing and knowing people from all walks of life, and I love the look and feel of a city environment. But the main reason is that I want to stay far away from the crazed, minivan driving, monstrous stroller pushing, vacuous, vain parents of spoiled children.
This story cracked me up. And, of course, it could only happen in
the suburbs.
Merry X-Mas
My gift to
you.
The Fake Glass Ceiling
Can we all shut up now about the stupid
fake glass ceiling?
BULLSHIT
The jury failed
miserably.
Reason to Celebrate
As if last night's Packer victory was not reason enough to celebrate, these slender foxes give us two more reasons.
Kumico and
Min.
WHOA
I missed this during the game last night.
Apparantly, Joe Namath was
hitting on sideline reporter Susie Kolber while she was interviewing him LIVE on the air!
Irvin Favre Dies
It's been reported tonight that
Brett Favre's father has died of a heart attack back home in Mississippi. Apparantly he suffered the heart attack while driving on Sunday.
Brett's status for the HUGE, SEASON-ON-THE-LINE game tomorrow night on MNF, is up in the air. That decision will be made tomorrow.
Not to be selfish, ...but this is even more bad news for the Pack. This weekend did not go well as every game they had an interest in went the opposite way. First KC lays down for the most undeserving division leaders in football, then Seattle crushes the hapless Cards, the NY Giants continue sucking, and Indy chokes again.
Now this.
If Favre doesn't play we can just about write off the game and the season. If Favre does play, who knows how well he will play?
Losing your father just before Christmas must be tough, but in this situation, with the weight of the world on your shoulders on national TV, ...
UPDATE: Unconfirmed local reports state that Favre has told his teammates he WILL play tonight against Oakland.
UPDATE II: CNN and most other outlets are also reporting that Favre has told his teammates he will play. WTMJ is expressing caution, saying that a final decision has not come down from the Packers.
UPDATE III: Favre's family has flown to HIM in Oakland. Also, Favre's family is encouraging him to play. Team President Bob Harlan says it is Favre's call.
FINAL UPDATE: He
will play.
If Only
If only
this doll would lay down for me as easily as the
Chiefs laid down for the purple-queens today ...
Bad Dog
Sometime yesterday World's Naughtiest Dog (WND) broke into the fridge and stole 20oz. of raw chicken, which she promptly devoured.
She's a very smart dog. Unfortunately, she uses her intelligence almost exclusively for evil deeds.
She can roll down the power windows in my car, open the fridge, open the slightly complex accordian-style pantry door, get past my "locking" garbage can, unlock the bolt on my front door, and unlock the fastener on our large green dumpster.
With regards to the garbage cans, she does this in a brick-brained search for food that is not there. It's the scent of the packaging, paper towels, and scraps that is apparantly too much to resist.
The fridge is easier for me to understand. There is actual food in there, leftover meat, pizza, pasta, cheese, ...and it's all there for the taking.
Sure, I place a length of duct tape on the door to try and keep her out, but sometimes we forget or she rips the door open anyway. This is all a very common occurance.
Normally, she steals her food/garbage and walks it over into the carpeted foyer before eating it. Often, the first sight I see in the evening upon returning from work is a half-devoured bag, styrofoam package, or paper towel in the foyer. When I see this mess, she usually runs and hides, knowing full well that she has done something wrong. Often I've wondered if she really knows what she did wrong or if she just associates a mess with getting in trouble.
Well, it looks like she's figured out why she gets in trouble. The 20oz. chicken package was not found in the foyer, not found in the kitchen, it was found in the back office room where her food dish is. She took the meat back behind some boxes and tore apart the package there. It worked. I did not see it until I went to make the aformentioned chicken for my dinner. When it wasn't in the fridge where I had left it, I searched the house and eventually stumbled across the evidence.
Of course, eating this much chicken in addition to her normal meal caused me to get up twice last night, once at 12 and once at 2am to let her outside. And she wonders where she gets her name from.
The joys of dog ownership.
One for the Good Guys
The
RIAA suffers a set back. Go
here for learned commentary.
Hurray For the Weekend
Due to my slacker-like oversleeping, Thursday proceeded without a beauty. In a feeble attempt to make up for it, here's a
cheerful gal to help usher in the weekend.
And this
bronzed beauty really puts me in a Christmas mood.
Call Me Evil
But I simply feel no sorrow over
this death.
In fact, good riddance.
Must See
The Barbie Intolerance Collection KKK Barbie, Virgin Mary Barbie, and more.
How old do you look? These people will decide.
Ageguess.com
Sex with
Spacegirls.
Miserable Failure
While Gephardt is wandering the country in search of miserable failures (and avoiding every mirror along the way), he might want to take a trip to the
UN.
I guess that's a little unfair. The UN has failed in nearly every significant international effort, so we shouldn't expect much to begin with.
Miss Tuesday and Wednesday
I was reminded several times that I forgot to post new pics for Tuesday, so here is a double post.
First, for those of you who like the milky white skin, here's a buxom cutie. Not bad for a
white girl.
Dark meat fans enter
here.
That Kooky Gephardt
I admit that it must be hard to be a democrat presidential candidate these days. You of course need to criticise the President for everything he has ever done, but when you criticize, then things go well, you are really up the creek.
Notice this quote from the Red SKull during his visit to Milwaukee recently:
"I said from early last year that if he was going to deal with Iraq, he had to get help," Gephardt said of Bush. He said he told the president, " 'This is going to be long, nasty and complicated, and you need to get the help of the entire world,' and he just has not done it."
1. We've gotten help.
2. There are 60 countries in the coalition.
3. We tried over and over to get the UN to support our actions in Iraq. We got a unanimous resolution, and gave up on a SECOND resolution when France threatened to veto ANY resolution which authorized the use of force.
Gephardt says we need "the whole world", well, he knows very well that the "whole world" was unwilling to go along. So, what does he propose we do? Nothing? He seems to advocate a course of action that would effectively give the French VETO power over US foreign policy.
Fuck that.
Fuck that.
The Morally Challenged Vatican
My parents wonder why I will refuse to baptise my child. This is
one reason.
I don't know if God exists or not, but I am certain that if He does exist, these clowns do not speak for him.
I don't have a problem with religion or with religious people, but I do have a problem with blind devotion to a corrupt and morally bankrupt church.
They look the other way when members of their organization abuse their positions of power and trust to rape children.
They kiss the ring of Saddam's catholic mouthpiece and try to obstruct military action to end his tyranny, bloodshed, and oppression.
The looked the other way when Nazis rounded up Jews.
All this is ok, I guess, as long as we keep women off the pulpit and gays out of the church.
UPDATE: That last part was sarcasm.
Monday's Girl
Back to my main fixation.
Here's to starting off the week
right.
Hee Hee
A Great Day
Saddam captured, the Packers win, Favre looks healthy again, the Vik-queens lose, a Christmasy coating of snow, ...a truly fantastic day.
To celebrate, here is a middle eastern themed
gift for you.
69 Hottest Porn Stars
Fleshbot has already covered this, but
Rock Confidential has listed their
69 hottest porn stars.
I disagree with their top ten list, but it's nice to see that my personal favorite,
Miko Lee, made the overall list.
Stepping Up
Ok, now that my
favorite blogger is taking a much needed vacation, I need to get my boobie fix from elsewhere.
No place like home, right?
So, until the Gweilo gets back, I'll be posting some favorites from my personal stash.
Enjoy.
Kane on Dean
Kane isn't ready to grab his ankles for Dean just yet, as he states in his
column today:
I haven't seen him singing hymns inside a Baptist church, or eating a soul food dinner, or mingling with a predominantly black crowd.
For many black voters, that's a litmus test. Call it the Bill Clinton "Let's see who is the most comfortable around black folks" test.
After this inane, intellectually immature comment, he gets indignant about people who criticize African-American voters for their blind devotion to one party. Kane likes to think that he speaks for all African-Americans. I'd like to think that he doesn't. If their devotion to the democrats has more to do with transparant, silly symbolism, then they deserve the results and criticizm they get.
But he defends his views by saying that no matter how much Democrats take them for granted, they are better than Republicans.
As for those who think that makes blacks gullible or foolish, I've got two words for why most blacks don't think the Republican Party is serious about inclusion: Trent Lott.
Say What?!?
*Ahem*
Republicans ran Trent Lott out of his leadership position for his clumsily worded praise of Strom Thurmond. If anything, they way they handled the Lott affair should have gained black voters support, ...but only if you look at the facts.
Hey Eugene, I've got two more words for you: Robert Bryd.
Remember him? He's
still a high-ranking Democrat who was once a night-riding member of the KKK. Another little tidbit Kane must have missed, Byrd used the N-word on national TV not more than 4 years ago.
But it's cool as long as he prays at a certain type of church and gets himself photographed eating a certain type of food. Right?
Quote(s) of the Week
Nothing is going to top Andrew Sullivan's swift,
rhetorical sword. I cannot even pull out the best quote, just read the whole (not very long) thing.
Chock-fulla-laughs.
Update: Ok, there is a clear "best quote" from Sullivan's piece. While speaking of Kerry's performance, he states:
He's the only candidate you just know for sure would be a terrible president - indecisive, vain, out-of-touch and incapable of rising to the occasion. Dean, Lieberman and Gephardt all strike me as men who could grow in the office. Not Kerry. He's Gore, without the charm.
Ouch!
Dumbass of the Week Award
I know, ...the week is only half over, but I'm declaring this week's contest
OVER.
Gathering outside the laughable snoozefest known as the Democratic Presidential debates, a reporter met this fellow:
"Anybody that wants to be president is unqualified," said Rob Wolff, a sophomore from Dover.
"I'm in favor of submitting blank ballots, of trying to elect your neighbor, trying to elect dead people," he said.
Rob Wolff, mixing a rare blend of ignorance and stupidity, is now the poster boy for this award.
The Slippery Bob Welch
I never liked this guy.
First, the Circus Parade is stupid and it sucks.
Second, not enough people want to support it, so it's going away.
Third, the state has no money for a once-a-year, shitty-ass event.
Fourth, Bob Welch voted AGAINST allowing Milwaukee and 5 other communities to TAX THEMSELVES in order to pay for Miller Park. No one in his district would have been taxed, he was merely voting to allow or not allow the 6 counties to tax themselves, something that had a lot of support in those counties (except for Racine). He voted against it because he didn't support the use of tax dollars for the stadium.
But, now that HIS community wants something, he's somehow
changed his mind on the issue.
I hope someone jumps in and stops him from spending new money on this lame event.
The stadium was worth building, despite the recent actions by the Seligs.
The circus parade is not worth saving with private money, much less public money.
Bottom line: Bob Welch is a two-faced ass.
That Low-Down Sinking Feeling
I feel terrible about the Packers-Bears game this week.
They are one game back from the Vik-queens and one game ahead of Da Bears.
After several weeks of big wins, dominating offensive line play, and an aggressive defense, the Pack fell back to their wuss-like ways on Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, da Bears have been resurgent on defense and have put a few wins together. Da Bears season is on the line here. If they win and the Queens lose, they are right in the middle of the playoff hunt and probably the favorite to win the division. However, if they lose and the Queens win, the season is over. A drastic swing of fortunes is based on this one game, ...a game against their most hated rival.
I smell disaster.
Da Bears really do suck. They are not as good as the Packers, but neither are the Lions, the Vik-queens, the Cardinals, or the Eagles, ...all teams that beat GB this year.
You can beat GB in one of two ways: Out hussle them, or be fortunate enough to play them on a day where the put the ball on the ground numerous times.
GB is soft. Not to mention that the dumbass Milwaukee paper ran a
big article ripping Urlacher for not having an impact on the games against GB. They might as well have tacked it on the bulletin board in da Bears locker room themselves.
I've got a real bad feeling. The season could be over. What a disaster it would be for the Pack to walk out of Lambeau as losers on Sunday.
I don't even want to watch it. Someone tell me when it's over.
Which One Are You? (Men only)
Based on the weapons in the Medal of Honor series, and explanation of divergent strategies regarding the opposite sex.
Manning the Mortar
Some guys are clueless. They don't know how to meet women, where to meet women, or why they are unsuccessful. These are the guys manning the mortar positions, blindly firing into the field of combat from a safe distance. They never hit anything, and have no idea if they are getting closer of farther off target. These are the guys fishing text-only online personals ads, calling party lines, and stalking friends and co-workers for a blind date. (For friends of the frogurt, think Atagi Peterson)
The Sergeant
Other guys do have a clue, but are too timid to do anything about it. They can find their way to the front, give good advice and encouragement to their peers, but are still unable to do much for themselves. We'll call them the sergeants based on the character from Band of Brothers who "ran for help" when the mortars came crashing down on the unit in the snow-coated forest. This is also the guy in MOH that constantly volunteers you to "take the point".
The Commandos
Then we have the commandos. These are the guys with SAR or Thompsons. They can be dropped into any situation and fight their way to victory, bravely facing the enemy and attacking the problem head-on. This is the ideal soldier. We all know a guy like this and envy his confidence and thick skin, if not his seemingly high success rate. This guy is identified by his absence from the group. He's too busy dating to drink and talk sports every week.
The Sniper
Patiently biding his time, the sniper never steps into a situation without a plan. He stakes out a position, finds a target, and awaits the perfect moment. This guy is often mistaken for the sergeant or the Mortar operator (because he's often seen with them), but every now and then he hits the mark and has a brief shining moment of success.
Manning the MG42
This guy sprays the battlefield with bullets hoping to hit something. He's distinuished from the Mortar operator in that he makes many attempts and often hits a target. The quality of the target, however, is usually poor. He just keeps firing, in all directions, until something falls. Then he moves in. He is an eternal optimist, and most men will laugh at him while half admiring his determination. (Friends of the frogurt can think of the Z-man)
Truth be told, we play each of these roles at different stages in our lives. I can honestly say that I've spent a good amount of time in each of these roles, but more often than not, ...I'm a Sniper.
(Editors note:
This seemed a lot more interesting in my head than it does in print.)
Gun Laws Don't Reduce Crime
The professor has the
goods on the study.
Best quote:
Disarming the public has not reduced criminal violence in any country examined in this study. In all these cases, disarming the public has been ineffective, expensive, and often counter productive. In all cases, the effort meant setting up expensive bureaucracies that produce no noticeable improvement to public safety or have made the situation worse.
Most Overlooked Story of the Week
60,000 plus Sports Fans spontaneously Die
Over 60,000 football fans enjoying a Thanksgiving day contest between the Green Bay Packers and the Detroit Lions spontaneously died of asphyxiation Thursday as the Packers sucked so horribly that literally all the oxygen was "sucked out" of the capacity indoor stadium, instantly killing all inside.
"A tragedy for all involved," said a weepy-eyed Matt Millen who was in the parking lot at the time placing 'I Love Millen' bumperstickers on the cars. "I've seen teams suck their own weight in ass before, but this, ...this was unexpected."
Playing one of the shittiest teams in the league, the Packers were heavy favorites in Thursday's contest.
Former Packer GM Ron Wolf thought a confluence of suckitude lead to the deadly combination. "When you out-suck the suckiest team in the league, bad juju is gonna happen. Having both of those teams in the same place at the same time, ...
ewwww.
Ford Field officials said they are usually prepared for such occurrences. "For example, when the Bears come to town, we crank up the exhaust at least 150% just to keep the fresh air coming in. We just didn't see this coming."
"I guess you take a bit of a risk coming to see this team," Millen added. "I mean, ...I've not added one descent offensive player in my entire tenure as GM. You've got to take that into consideration before coming out (to the game)."
"What really sucks is that their last moments will have been spent watching Brett Favre throw yet another ball directly to a wide open Detroit defender. What a shitty pass. What a shitty game," Added sports columnist/author Mitch Album. "If they had just played with the competence of a good high school team, ...all this might have been avoided. Man, that game fucking sucked!"
(Ed. note:
Yes, it took me a few days to come up with something that was not just a batch log of unhappy obscenities. There aren't enough obscenities to properly convey what a crap-sandwich that game was.)
