The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

Let the Wookie Win

Chewy deals.

2:41 PM

Revenge of the Sith - DELETED SCENES

Yup. Check it.

8:50 PM

Matt Leinart, Welcome to Green Bay!

Greetings Mr. Leinart!

On behalf of the city of Green Bay, the state of Wisconin, and Packer fans world wide, I would like to officially welcome you to the Green Bay Packers.

It was a close race between us, Houston, and Arizona, but with former coach Sherman at the helm, we knew we'd get there. While we know those other cities have more attractions than Green Bay, we'd like to sell you on the upside of playing in Green Bay.

1. We have a new coach! Brad Childress of the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles has come aboard to help straighten out our wayward ship. He is an upgrade to former coach Sherman because he is able to throw a small bean-filled red flag on the field at appropriate times, can do simple math, and is not distracted by small, shiny things. We're especially excited because he already knows that if you are down by five after a touchdown, you should go for two and cut the lead to three. You see, there are no four point plays in football, so it makes no sense to kick a meaningless extra point.

2. You do not have to worry about following a legend. The last few years have left such a sour taste in our mouths that we welcome you with open arms and lots of anticipation. Since we were the worst team in the league this year, you don't have to worry about lofty expectations right away. The bar has been set mighty low. To be frank with you, things really hit rock bottom on December 11th when down by 4 with 1:22 left on the Detroit 10 yard line, former coach Sherman elected to kick a field goal, thereby losing the game by 1 point. The Packers became the only team in NFL history to lose to the Detroit Lions twice in one year.

3. When proposition 6149 (outlawing the employment of Ted Thompson within the state of Wisconsin) passed with 99% of the vote, Bob Harlan had no choice but to dump Mr. Thompson and seek a new GM. Our new GM is a glass-domed robot that is functioning with a cloned brain that we grew from one of Ron Wolf's toe nails. Once we figure out how to communicate with it, we'll be set. But for right now he sure is a lot of fun to look at!

4. After Milwaukee, Racine, and Madison burned to the ground following our 9th loss of the season to the Minnesota Vikings, there have been some who speculated that Wisconsin would never recover. Quite the contrary, after Barry Alvarez was given emergency powers on the eve of Thanksgiving, order has slowly been restored to the state. Most of the damaged areas have regained power and water services, and his executive order to impose jail time and hard labor for each "stupid penalty" really cleared out some of the dead wood on the roster.

5. Finally, the wereabouts of coach Sherman and his assistant Tom Rossley are still unknown. Troops from the Waukesha area have joined with Brown country units to continue their hunt in Door County thinking that he might be heading for the UP and the sanctuary (and offensive coordinator job) offered to him by Matt Millen. If you see him, please get to safety and call the authorities. And by all means, don't let him coach you! It would likely mean the end of your career. Heed the example of Brett Favre, ...wherever he is.

Thank You,

Lost and Not Lonely in WI

2:39 PM

Funniest Thing You Will Read All Day

Really.

11:14 AM

Play the Packers Drinking Game!

It's fun! It's poignant! It will help you get through this season with your sanity intact!

Each time a Packers defensive back gets a penalty for "hands to the face", "holding", or "illegal contact", ...take a drink and say "Nice pick Sherman!"

Each time the Packers offense runs a play that could only be engineered by a dung-tossing monkey, ...take a drink and say "That's a Rossley!"

Each time Brett Favre makes a TJ Rubley-esque throw and badly misses a wide open receiver down field, ...take a drink and say "But he looks really slim!"

Each time the Packers fail to challenge an obvious bad call, fail to practice basic clock management, or kick meaningless field goals when what they really need is a touchdown, ...take a drink and say "Bubblepants strikes again!"

Each time the Packers have a good offensive gain, wait for the inevitable flag, and ...take a drink and say "I can't justifiably blame this penalty on Shermbutt, but God-fucking-dammit, I'm going to blame that fatt-ass anyway! This is your fault you piece of shit!!!!"

Each time the Packers force the opposing team into a 3rd and long, wait for them to convert, then, ...take a drink and say "Jeez, we'd better order a few more cases."

Each time an opposing receiver makes a catch with no Packer defenders within five yards, ...take a drink and say "Please call the paramedics, I think I've drank myself to death."

If you're still alive at the end, at least you won't remember most of the game like the rest of us will. Pity us while you are puking your guts out.

8:42 PM

A Mystery Wrapped in a Riddle, Wrapped in Size 64 Pants

Shermbutt shed some light on the disastrous offensive gameplan used in Sunday's happless loss to the nearly happless Lions.

It seems that he served up a special plate of Shermyosophy, consciously making the decision to NOT run the ball despite the fact that Ahman Green was clicking off 5 yards per run.

Even when Walker went down and Fergie went down, he still tried to throw the ball deep, using human statue David Martin and Bubba Franks to try and stretch the field.

Now, I'm not an offensive guru, but I know two things about this plan: 1. Bubba Franks is slower than FEMA and 2. David Martin's hands are actually two standard sized bricks attached to his forearms by an evil backwoods scientist. Oh, and he sucks.

From today's paper: "The strength of their defense is their front four," Rossley said. "We have a good (passing) game with some good skilled receivers and thought we could make plays."

The problem was that the Lions stuck to their two-deep safety defense and refused to allow Walker, Driver or Ferguson to get by them. It was clear Bryant was going to allow Walker to catch the ball in front of him rather than get beat deep.

With the Detroit safeties playing back, the Packers should have been able to run the ball and force adjustments in coverage. But it never came to that.

...

"We were definitely out of rhythm and out of sync, a lot of it because of our own doings," Sherman said.

7:25 AM

Walker Wounded

So, Walker may be out for the year.

Fergie will have to set up to #2 and Driver to #1. Chatman can now start dropping passes as a #3 rather than dropping passes as a #4.

We should all revise down our win/loss predictions by at least a game.

Maybe more.

8:19 PM

And Another Thing About the Game ...

I thought the defense played well.

They swarmed to the ball, tackled pretty well, and if you remove Ahmad Carrol and replace him with a dung tossing, play calling monkey, ...we'd probably have been in position to win this game 6-3.

But the offense really disappointed. They moved the ball better than the Lions most of the game, but they lacked any consistancy in the second half.

Favre missed on all of his deep passes except for one (that was taken away due to another phantom penalty), Green wasn't given a steady diet of runs, and the Packers failed to attack any portion of the field.

Screen, run, bomb. That was their game plan.

It's no small wonder they failed to get into the end zone.

Now, we should all use some caution here. The first week of each season often features a lot of upsets and supposedly bad teams playing good. It's the least useful week to use as a barometer.

...but I believe we saw a good representation of what we're left with after 13 nice seasons.

We're left with some very talented offensive players who have no foundation to work from. Furthermore, there is very little depth. Well, actually, there is no depth.

We have a good defensive coach who is trying to get the most out of a group of untalented underachievers, and in the case of Carrol, an untalented, egotistic, malcontent.

This is what Sherman and Thompson have built. This is their doing. Their players. Their decisions.

They dug the hole, I suggest we bury them in it.

6:27 PM

The Phantom Menace

I have to hand a dollop of credit to the Detroit Lions. They are a mediocre to below average team that played mistake-free football.

The Packers are a mediocre to below average team that made a lot of mistakes. If the players continue to make shit-head mistakes as they did today, they've got a certain future in the Packers personnel department.

That said, the Lions probably do not beat the Packers if not for the Phantom Menace, and by that I mean the many imaginary and highly-questionable penalties called against the Packers.

Oh, boo hoo! Blame the refs cheesehead!

We all know I love finding fault with officiating at all levels of professional and college sports, but I don't make things up. The officials write their own material. I just point it out.

Ten of the Lions points came directly from officiating mistakes.

In the first quarter, the Lions had their drive extended several times with penalties. One such penalty which came on third down and gave them a new set of downs in the red zone. They proceeded to score a touchdown.

The penalty in question was "hands to the face". This penalty is meant to prevent two things: 1) to prevent players from striking the facemask of opposing players and 2) to prevent players from blocking by pushing against their opponents facemasks instead of pushing against their bodies. This penalty was NOT intended to be used for incidental, mild, and brief contact with the facemask.

The officials abused this penalty in today's game.

To be fair, I did see one case where Ahmad Carrol did push against the facemask of an opposing player. Once.

The call in question (that gave the Lions another chance at their first touchdown) was not even against Carrol. The Packers DB bumped the Lions receiver off the line by pushing him in the upper chest. In doing so, the DB's finger tips touched the lower portion of the receivers extended facemask and face shield. It did not warrant a flag.

The other penalty that led to points came on their field goal drive.

They had taken possession of the ball after a "fumble" by Brett Favre. It wasn't a fumble, as was clear in live action and on replay. It was an obvious forward pass.

But only part of the blame goes to the refs on this one.

Once again, for the FIFTH YEAR IN A ROW, Mike Sherman failed miserably in managing replays. This has been a consistent problem over his career and he's never fixed it. He failed to call a timeout or challenge the play, and the Lions got a gift. And three points.

So, the refs were my main irritant, but enough about them.

Days like today I would love to be in the press room when Sherman took the mike, I'd ask him one simple question.

Coach bubblepants, ...regarding the play calling in the second half ...did you:
a. Suffer a major brain aneurysm at halftime
b. Have your brain sucked out by aliens at halftime
c. Hand over the play calling to a dung tossing monkey
d. Let Rossley call the plays

I suspect the answer is c or d.

4:28 PM

Spidey III

Even though I am probably the only person alive who was disapointed with Spider-Man II, all these rumors crawling around regarding the cast of villians in Spidey III have more than perked my interest.

I now officially can't wait for the next installment, maybe I'll even see it in the theater.

9:46 AM

A Prediction for the Packers Season

I nailed my prediction last year. I predicted 10-6, and here are the offical results if you don't believe me.

I come to my predictions by first counting up all the games I feel are either safe wins or safe losses. Then I look at the games that I can't decide on. Some of these games I put into a "questionable" category, others I put into a "really questionable" category.

I then make my best guesses at these games and use that as my "baseline" prediction.

From there I go back to the "questionable" and "very questionable" games and look at them as a group, rather than as individual games.

This year, my baseline was a distressing 6-10.

I'm counting as definite losses:
Sept 11 at Detroit
Oct 3 at Carolina
Oct 23 at Minnesota
Nov 13 at Atlanta
Nov 21 vs Minnesota
Nov 27 vs Philly

Probable additonal losses:
Nov 6 vs Pittsburgh
Dec 19 at Baltimore
Jan 1 vs Seattle

Additional Possible loss:
Oct 9 New Orleans

Certain Wins:
Sept 18 at Cleveland
Sept 25 at Tampa
Dec 4 at Chicago
Dec 11 vs Detroit
Dec 25 at Chicago

Possible Additional Win:
Oct 20 at Cincinnati

Looking at the non-certain games, we have 4 losses and 1 win. At most, the Packers will go +2 and win two of the games that I have listed as possible losses. That gives them 8 wins. But more than likely they will end up +1 and go 7-9.

But almost everyone is predicting 7-9, so I'm really tempted to say 6-10, figuring that they are as likely to lose against Cincy as they are to win against New Orleans. But I think they could also win against Balitmore.

In fact, the more I think about it, they always play well at the end of the season (if they are healthy, a big "if"). That Baltimore game looks more and more winnable.

However, they have been healthy for two years, it's about time for some injuries.

But I'm going with history here.

Each year I am pessimistic and make a low guess based on that pessimism. Last year I adjusted and went with the more optimisitic number and got it right.

I'm doing that again.

Even though it's a popular number to pick, 7-9 is my prediction.

Furthermore, I will add that they are much much much more likely to go 8-8 than 6-10.

12:17 PM

The San Francisco Treat

I may be the only person to say this, but Jerry Rice was not the greatest NFL player ever, nor was he the greatest receiver ever.

He was a great player, no doubt. One of the greatest receivers of all time, probably in the top 2-3.

I say he was not the greatest ever because he benefitted greatly from the "system" he was in. A system that revolutionized offensive strategy in the NFL. He was fortunate to be a part of that system for years before anyone else figured out how to beat it.

He also played many years in the era of football where rich owners could create dynasties by hoarding the best players and overpaying for others. Rice played on such a team, and benefitted by not having to compete in an era of parity.

Of course, parity did come and he was still a great receiver on a great team, but he was no longer unstoppable. After that they won the super bowl only in 1994 with Steve Young, losing to Dallas in the years before 1994, and losing to the Packers in the years after.

Who was the greatest of all time? Don Hutson. Hands down.

12:00 PM

Hokey Smokes ...Effort!?!?!

Yes, sports fans. Effort. The Packers second and third string players did something few if any Packer players have done since last December, ...play hard, tough, good football.

But that was in the second half. The first half featured the opening of another can of dog shit.

The offensive line could barely stay vertical.

The defensive line, well they did everything wrong.

They went into half time with more penalties than points. And it was then that something happened.

For some reason, the players came out ready to play. They looked sharper, hungrier, and dare I say "determined". Pressure was applied, tackles were made, interceptions were nabbed, ...confidence rose.

Aaron Rodgers even got in on the act, looking more like Craig Nall circa 2004 than Tim Couch circa his whole career. I didn't think he had it in him, but he almost looked respectable out there. I'm now open to the suggestion that he could improve enough to be a good back-up.

Some other players looked good as well.

Namely, Joey Thomas, Mike Hawkins, and Nick Collins. Joey Thomas and Nick Collins will be starters this year. Hawkins has probably made the team as a backup.

Diminutive dink Ahmad Carroll once again lived up to everything I said about him the day after he was drafted. Namely, suck.

So, they finally woke up and played better football. The newspaper doesn't think much of that, but it seems significant to me. Even if they aren't very good, they still have a chance at a decent record as long as they play hard.

For the past four years they have repeatedly quit on themselves, only to rebound and save their season. This year I feared they would start the season in quit mode.

I still think it will be difficult for them to win more than eight games, if that many. I'll have my prediction up soon. But last week I was convinced that they would have fewer than seven wins.

Last night they looked more like a .500 club, which is a positive development considering what's gone on so far this year.

11:45 AM