Matt Leinart, Welcome to Green Bay!
Greetings Mr. Leinart!On behalf of the city of Green Bay, the state of Wisconin, and Packer fans world wide, I would like to officially welcome you to the Green Bay Packers.
It was a close race between us, Houston, and Arizona, but with former coach Sherman at the helm, we knew we'd get there. While we know those other cities have more attractions than Green Bay, we'd like to sell you on the upside of playing in Green Bay.
1. We have a new coach! Brad Childress of the NFC Champion Philadelphia Eagles has come aboard to help straighten out our wayward ship. He is an upgrade to former coach Sherman because he is able to throw a small bean-filled red flag on the field at appropriate times, can do simple math, and is not distracted by small, shiny things. We're especially excited because he already knows that if you are down by five after a touchdown, you should go for two and cut the lead to three. You see, there are no four point plays in football, so it makes no sense to kick a meaningless extra point.
2. You do not have to worry about following a legend. The last few years have left such a sour taste in our mouths that we welcome you with open arms and lots of anticipation. Since we were the worst team in the league this year, you don't have to worry about lofty expectations right away. The bar has been set mighty low. To be frank with you, things really hit rock bottom on December 11th when down by 4 with 1:22 left on the Detroit 10 yard line, former coach Sherman elected to kick a field goal, thereby losing the game by 1 point. The Packers became the only team in NFL history to lose to the Detroit Lions twice in one year.
3. When proposition 6149 (outlawing the employment of Ted Thompson within the state of Wisconsin) passed with 99% of the vote, Bob Harlan had no choice but to dump Mr. Thompson and seek a new GM. Our new GM is a glass-domed robot that is functioning with a cloned brain that we grew from one of Ron Wolf's toe nails. Once we figure out how to communicate with it, we'll be set. But for right now he sure is a lot of fun to look at!
4. After Milwaukee, Racine, and Madison burned to the ground following our 9th loss of the season to the Minnesota Vikings, there have been some who speculated that Wisconsin would never recover. Quite the contrary, after Barry Alvarez was given emergency powers on the eve of Thanksgiving, order has slowly been restored to the state. Most of the damaged areas have regained power and water services, and his executive order to impose jail time and hard labor for each "stupid penalty" really cleared out some of the dead wood on the roster.
5. Finally, the wereabouts of coach Sherman and his assistant Tom Rossley are still unknown. Troops from the Waukesha area have joined with Brown country units to continue their hunt in Door County thinking that he might be heading for the UP and the sanctuary (and offensive coordinator job) offered to him by Matt Millen. If you see him, please get to safety and call the authorities. And by all means, don't let him coach you! It would likely mean the end of your career. Heed the example of Brett Favre, ...wherever he is.
Thank You,
Lost and Not Lonely in WI
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