The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

Happy Memorial Day

Enjoy!

More here.

12:33 PM

Here's to another long week

Charmane

2:33 PM

Life at the Hospital

Our little visit to the Pre-natal center did not go so well.

It seems our little one is a bit too little.

Since the wife only recently joined me here in the US, our current doctor has not had an opportunity to get an ultrasound. So, the doctor has no way of knowing if the baby has always been a little small but has continued to grow at a steady pace, or if the baby has stopped growing altogether.

Right now the baby is only in the 15th percentile for her size at this stage of the game. If she stays at the 15th percentile for the remainder of the pregnancy, then everything is just fine.

If she drops, then it is likely she has been dropping all along and they will induce labor a few weeks early.

Right now, we don't know. We only know that she is small, and some of the measurements they have taken suggest regression.

Because of this, the wife has been confined to bed rest. She can't cook, go shopping, walk around, do dishes, or even take extended showers (just short ones).

This means that my current duty list: Caulk bathroom, sand medicine cabinet, prime medicine cabinet, paint medicine cabinet, paint base boards, re-attach baseboards, re-attach all fixtures in bathroom, remove bedroom wall paper, prime bedroom walls, paint bedroom walls, build crib, build play pen, build bassinet, build dresser, walk dog, run errands, move furniture, and work my normal 50 hour a week job

has had the following items added to it: do all laundry, wash all dishes, feed dog every day, bathe dog, walk dog, keep entire house clean, wash all linens, cook all my meals, cook breakfest for wife before I leave for work, make a lunch and two snacks for the wife each day before I leave for work, purchase all groceries, cook dinner for wife every day after work, make desert for wife, and decorate and set up nursery

and I've probably forgotten a few things.

On top of this, my company has a huge software release scheduled for the week we are due to deliver the baby. This means a lot of extra hours, extra work, and extra pressure. This is the most important month for my company and everyone is working mega-overtime.

So, forgive me if I don't post often, return emails, or do any of the other things I'm scheduled to do.

I've got a lot on my plate and a lot on my mind.

No time to even comment on the moronic Eugene Kane column from the other day. It's so typical and ridiculous that it almost self-mocks. Which is good, because I don't have time to do it myself.

2:47 PM

Roger Rocks

Roger Simon gets a little agitated today (which he should do more often) and really rocks the post with the written-word equivalent of a C-chord played through an SG and a wall of Marshalls.

2:45 PM

Unpreparedness Guide

I could write one. Or, maybe I am one.

Saturday afternoon. My sister's house. A gaggle of female relatives and old family friends. My wife. Me. A cake. Games. Gifts. A baby shower.

As baby showers go, this one was relatively harmless. We got everything we really needed and asked for (except the baby monitor).

I think it was the cumulative ping of a roomfull of female voices that set off my headache. Instead of aspirin, I prescribed a couple of beers for myself. The pain was still there, but what I really needed was something to take the edge off, if you know what I mean. (I don't think this space has any female readers, so I'm confident all of my readers know exactly what I mean.)

The only baby implement that confused my subdued brain was the vaporizer. After unwrapping, I examined the box like a monkey contemplating an Imac.

"It's a vaporizer." Someone offered.

"Ah." I replied. Dumb as I felt being surrounded by women ooing and awwing over yellow ducky themed PJs and bibs and crib sheets, ...I could still read.

"It's for the baby."

"Ok." Laugher ensues.

"It adds moisture to the air so the baby doesn't get sick."

"It adds moisture." Just what we need for summers in Milwaukee, huh?

"Yeah. Just take our word for it. It's good."

Ok, file that one under "good" and move on.

We were tooling about the other night doing some small chores. I was answering a question about my use of English in a particular situation.

We had been at the post office to buy .80 international stamps so the wife could send cards to her family. The wife had asked me if we could get those "Air Mail" stickers that usually accompany mail sent overseas. We were walking away from the counter when she asked, so I leaned back towards the clerk and asked.

"Do they give out those "Air Mail" stickers for international mail?"

They do, so she gave us a small stack.

The wife wanted to know why I didn't say, "Do you give out those 'Air Mail' stickers for international mail?"

I was explaining that using "you" in that situation might have implied that I was asking her to do something contrary to stated policy. What I really wanted to know was what is the stated policy on those stickers. As I was explaining this, she suddenly bent forward in pain.

She sat there in the passenger seat, bent over like she had been shot, one had on her stomache, another on her lower back, groaning in pain. She couldn't or wouldn't speak even though I asked repeatedly what the problem was.

When I asked if it was a contraction, she finally nodded "yes". This one was a lot more painful than the others she'd had. Also, it targeted her lower back, which is the first time that has happened. I suggested we rest in the car for a while before going into the grocery store. In the parking lot I timed 3 contractions, about 1 minute in length, 5-6 minutes apart.

Those 6 minutes between contractions were nerve-wracking.

I kept thinking that I'm not ready for this yet. I never finished reading the binder of material the hospital gave us, I never reviewed the notes I took from class, I haven't finished (or started) fixing up the nursery, I haven't packed a bag for the hospital, I haven't prepared food for during labor (in case the caffeteria is closed), I haven't practiced breathing with her, I haven't purchased a lamaase ball for her to use, I haven't prepared myself mentally for the ordeal.

Between the 2nd and 3rd contractions she said she would be ready to go into the store after the next contraction. Once it was over, we left the car and went into the store. I was sure her water would break right there in the Pick n Save, but it didn't. She was right. The contractions stopped. I'm not sure how she knew it, but she did.

That brings us to our doctor visit this morning. She goes in, I'm in the waiting room reading a magazine article about preparing your dog for your new baby. I've been a little concerned about the WND (World's Naughtiest Dog) knocking over the crib (like she once did with my old birdcage).

The doctor comes into the waiting room and calls me into the clinic area.

She explains "medical lingo, blah blah, medical lingo so we need to schedule an ultrasound as soon as possible, but everything is probably ok."

"Uh, ...what's the problem exactly?"

Some sort of measurement they take is smaller than it should be. She implied that it was smaller than her last measurement. This fact implied that the baby might be too small, .....or, ....might have dropped into the pelvic region a bit early.

Now I'm terrified. She gets on the phone with the ultrasound people, uses verbal shorthand to explain the problem, there seems to be a problem with getting us in there, ...8:30 tomorrow?

"Ok"

From what I gather, they take a vertical measurement from the top of something, her womb maybe, to the baby. Something about how it was 3cm, but now it's 6cm. She tells us again that this either means the baby is too small or that the baby has dropped.

Seeing I was concerned, she proceeded to throw out all the encouragement, ...everything's probably ok, it's for her own peace of mind, etc etc

The wife was unphased.

She said she knows the baby is ok because the baby keeps growing and kicking and moving, and her stomache is getting bigger.

I'm glad she's confident, ...as for me, I've got 15 hours to obsess over it.

3:42 PM

Hrmmmm

But of course, we all know Saddam didn't have WMDs, ...right?

Oops.

12:03 PM

Luana at Fleshbot

Fleshbot uncovers Luana Lani. Don't miss it.

11:42 AM

Promise Kept

Sweet Sheena.

9:30 PM

Oh My God!

I've said it before, but what a pompous jackass!

Here's two hilarious things from a story today about hypocritical two-faced moron John Kerry.

First, he tries to tell everyone that he's just a normal guy, not a pompous ivory leaguer.

The Massachusetts senator also sought to dispel the notion he was aloof, asking one television interviewer: "Have you had a beer with me yet? I like to have fun as much as the next person, and go out and hack around and have a good time."

Yes yes, cheerio and all that! We all love a good Bull-session now and again, right old man? Jeeves, pass me another snifter of port, ...hee hee I'm as tipsy as a boy from the bowery!

Here's a good test, ...who could you picture yourself sitting in Moe's bar with, Bush or Kerry (forgetting that Bush gave up drinking).

But what's more hilarious is that his big-mouthed wife called Dick Cheney "unpatriotic" this week. This from a team that squeals like stuck pig whenever anyone criticizes John Kerry about his past positions, votes, words, or deeds, claiming that his patriotism is under attack.

Give me an f-ing break! So, after Theresa attacks Cheney and refuses to release her tax records (where all of Kerry's money is holed up), Kerry comes out and says this:

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry warned his political opponents on Monday against attacking his outspoken wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, saying, "They're going to have to go through me."

First of all, no one's attacking her.
Second, SHE is attacking Cheney in a despicable way and is being criticized (rightly) for it.
Third, why do democrats always want to make themselves look like victims? If they face any criticism they bitch and whine and complain as if it is all so unfair.

What a bunch of morons.

6:57 AM

Love and Rockets

As the day of arrival ticks closer, the problems occupying the hamster wheel in the back of my brain are becoming more and more logistical in nature. Fatherhood drifts like a glacier, erasing and replacing everything with a steady, slow-moving mountain of expectations. And it is nothing you can fight, ...the glacier will scour the surface of your life, uprooting sporting events, alcohol tolerance, porn appreciation, live music, and video games. In a few months it will be like the "cool" version of you (and yes, that is on a sliding scale) never existed, having been removed beyond recognition.

So, the problems are not "should I do this" or "can I really do this", the problems are "HOW will I do this." There is no uncertainty here, and while that is scary, it is also necessary. There were no uncertainties in my childhood. Dad went to work everyday. Mom went to work when she needed to. Breakfast and lunch and dinner were prompt, as was bedtime, summer vacation, fireworks on the 4th, snowdrifts in January, and apples in the fall. Never did I wonder if we had enough money for food, nor did I wonder what types of choices my parents had to make when buying food, clothes, cars, or toys. I believed things were provided as my parents decided they were needed, and not a second sooner. Never did I think anything had to do with what we could afford.

Now I am seeing the other side. This week my wife gave me permission to buy the video card I wanted, a Sapphire Atlantis ATI 9600 Pro 128mb 8x/4x AGP. Yeah, I know, the 256mb model is not much more expensive, but I don't have a high-end system anymore anyway. I found this card for $94, ...about $15 less than the former lowest price on the net. I had it in my sights, ...but I couldn't pull the trigger because I have to buy baby clothes, baby furniture, a crib mattress, a crib set, a changing table, baby food, food for the wife and I, a car for the wife, gas, electric, cable tv, hospital bills, medicine, paint, a bedroom set, tickets to Tokyo, ...and it goes on and on.

No video card for me until that price falls into the $70s.

But this gives you a good idea how I am attacking the fatherhood thing, ...with purchases. As if I can buy a clip-on tie that will immediately transform me into DAD.

Until I find that tie, I'll need some other kind of help. So, tonight we're off to a Childbirth class at St. Mary's hospital. Two hours tonight, 8 hours tomorrow and we're done.

I'm sure the class will be hilarious, so I'd better leave now or I'll miss it.

BTW - found some nice porn links this week. I'll try to post them later.

3:02 PM

Things That Suck and Why

What sucks? This stuff does:

Dora the Explorer: This insipid, 2-dimensional, spiritless, soulless, politically correct nightmare is bafflingly popular. This stiflingly bland show was designed to look like a crappy video game in a depressingly successful attempt to make it easier to sell crappy Dora video games. This ridiculous pile of crap is promoted as "interactive" because Dora, the pea-brained latina explorer the show is based on, is constantly asking her audience to do this or that, or find this or that on the screen. A giant mouse pointer then floats across the screen and clicks the object she was looking for. Brilliant, huh? I don't know what's more annoying, when someone on the show is flapping their vapid gums or the lengthy awkward silences that Nickelodeon forces on you. You see, Dora asks her audience questions, like "What is your name?" She then stares at the screen for what seems like 7 minutes while waiting for an answer. Whenever I have the misfortune of seeing this brain-killing, ass-suckery, I either want to shoot myself or shoot the TV.

Bless the internet, ...at least we know exactly who to blame, the creators can be found here.

Reading this interview makes Dora's suckiness a lot more understandable.

The Minnesota Vikings: Rarely do you run across a cornucopia of shittiness like the Minnesota Vikings. Whether it is the past (4 Super Bowl losses, wrong way Marshall, the Hershel Walker trade), the present or recent past (Randy Moss trying to run over a traffic cop, Chris Carter's on-the-field tantrums), or the future (will they even have a team in a few years), ...there is always something to loathe, mock, or derisively laugh at. And that's not even talking about the fans. What a bunch of inbred, face-painting, goldilocks wearing losers. From the fan who set a torch to a Packer fan a few years back, to the radio station that played a fake news report about Brett Favre drug use, or the fans who try to blind opposing QBs with laser pointers, or the fact that stadium operators have been caught cheating when comes to time keeping, or the fact that they pipe in really loud fan noises so the opposing team can't run their plays ...these yahoos deserve one another. Now, I personally know two Vikings fans who do not fall into this category, ...but I'm convinced that's because they are based here in Wisconsin.

1:27 PM

Jamming

What does a slam dunk look like when it's done with the written word?

Like this.

7:56 AM