The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

Today's Fortune

"Joys are often the shadows, cast by sorrows."

Is this optimistic or pessimistic? I could go either way.

11:44 AM

Run Over on the Side of the Road

I would be a libertarian if all those other people who call themselves libertarians weren't.

9:58 PM

Do You Believe in God?

I believe there is an all powerful, all knowing, all seeing entity whose sole purpose is to screw me over at every turn.

12:53 PM

Interesting Spam

Like all good people, I hate spam. Occasionally I will look at one if it looks interesting AND it came from a website I know and frequent. I got a spam from Vote.com today. Usually they ask me to vote on some issue, ...the last one was Trent Lott, I think. Anyway, this one came from one of their "partners". Meaning, this company bought my email address off vote.com.

Anyway, it is interesting. Here's the scoop:

It's a site called LegalVote.com. It lays out the arguments of a court case and asks you to be the jury. The case that was specifically emailed to me was about age discrimination. I would tell you about the case, but I don't want to influence you. I found it interesting and I actually liked reading up on it and delivering a verdict. I suspect this is a clever ploy by the defense attorneys to see if they have a case or not. It's brilliant, really. Get thousands of people to respond to the basic arguments, get some demographic info about them, and use that info to strike or keep jury members in court. Evil, but brilliant. Check it out.

12:04 PM

And suddenly, the sun walks in

I'm an inbox watcher. I admit it.

I'm online at work (a necessity) for 9 hours straight, and I basically have access to the web and email 24/7. I love it, I can scarcely remember my pre-1995 life.

Remember:
Searching for a recent newspaper to look up movie times?
Getting a phone call from someone you only communicate with a few times a year (instead of an email)?
Stopping at a pay phone?
Looking up an address in the phone book, then using the phone book map to try and determine how to get there?
Ordering from a magazine as a convenience?
Taping songs off the radio?
Keeping newspaper clippings or magazines around because you knew you'd need the info in them sooner or later?

What a tiny world we lived in.

So, here I am, watching my inbox like I used to watch my phone. Instead of picking up the receiver to make sure the line is not dead, I send test messages to myself to make sure the server isn't down. I calculate the time difference between CST and GMT (let's see, it's only 8pm there, so I could still get a reply today), I worry about the wording in my last reply (perhaps it could be taken wrong), I worry that sending a follow-up email (just to make sure you got my last message) will display my otherwise well-hidden desperation.

One day passes, no big deal. Two days pass, uh oh. I guess that settles it. Fini. Well, better that I find out now then two months down the line. Next.

Then, like a scheduled batch run, the domain clouds part and the email pops up as if it was never in doubt. My words were taken as hoped, and reciprocated, and I read it so many times the screen saver goes off, and the sun truly walks in.

2:51 PM

Let me choose my fate

First, I should say that I have been a video game addict since they were first invented, so I've seen their full development from inception to today. I'm enthralled with the gains in technology, physics, appearance, sound, realism, ...but video games have still limited themselves by, ...well, ...by being games.

(Hey idiot, they are games!)

I know, I know, ...but they can be so much more. We all know the thrill of sinking yourself so deeply into a complex action game that you start to blur the line between your daily life and the game. We all know how we've put days of our lives on hold just so we can finish a game because we know we will not rest (and get no work done) until the mission is complete.

Here's the problem ...in real life, choices have consequences. In some way, they last forever. Sometimes the consequences are small, sometimes they are big. In video games, the future is too managed. We're just all trying to find the right combination to essentially unlock the final sequence. Newer games give you more freedom in this regard, ...allowing you one or two different combinations to achieve the same result, but the game would be more fun if you could, ...well, ...fail. Or, better yet, you could achieve a variety of endings based on your choices in the game.

The problem is, currently all the moral choices are made for you. You cannot, in GTA3, place your loyalties with the Yakusa or the Italian mob in order to get your revenge. The game forces you to backstab everyone. In Mafia, your character actually has moral choices to make, and those choices actually affect the outcome of the game, ...but those choices are made for you. You do not have a choice whether or not to wack the crying hooker or execute Frank at the airport. The game decides.

I'd love to see a video game where the more murders you committed, the more the cops are after you, but the more respect you get from other crooks. The goal, I guess, would be to strike a balance where you could most easily navigate the scenarios the game puts you in. In this way, we could personalize our characters by making choices as we would make them ourselves.

Well, I'm off to maybe buy Splinter Cell for the PC, thus killing any desire to get anything done this (3 day, hooray) weekend.

2:20 PM

Today's Fortune

"It takes more than good memory to have good memories."

12:32 PM

Today's Fortune

"You have a strong handle on reality."

Yeah, just don't read any further ...

2:58 PM

Last year

I like repetition. It helps me think. For this reason I tend to listen to the same CD over and over until I'm sick of it, then I put it down for awhile and do it again a few months later.

Recently I repeated this process with the Pedro the Lion CD that I stole from you. Remember?

We were on our way to Iowa City last April 4. I asked you to put in something mello, but catchy and profound. Out came "It's hard to find a friend" by Pedro the Lion. I remember at first listen I liked it, but thought it was a little slow. The second listen (on April 5th as we started our ride home) I really started to enjoy it. Especially the 3rd song, which I repeated a few times because you were sleeping already. I decided that I would rather have you awake, so I put in some more rockin' music later on, but I never gave back the CD.

Remember carrying all that drum equipment into the hotel room at like 3am, then carrying it back out at 6:30? We stopped and got gas just before re-entering the freeway, the same gas station where Dan freaked out on our return trip to IC. He and A wanted to kill one another. Dan had past the point of inebriation about 6 beers prior and was insisting on driving 8 hours home in the dead, dark Iowa night. He didn't want to drive with A and was belligerent about it, but I convinced them to just stick it out. A drove, Dan passed out, and we all survived. My stomach was turning over because of the confrontation, the late night, the stress (trying to absorb everyone's anger so none of the car's end up in a ditch), ...ugh. If you ever go on tour again, watch them closely. I can picture Dan's car in a ditch in the middle of nowhere, blood everywhere, and them screaming at each other as to who's fault it is.

Anyway, ...the other day I was about to take a shower and I needed a CD to listen to. I stumbled across the Pedro CD and put it in. I hadn't really listened to the lyrics in awhile, ...they are more than profound. They were prophetic. If I had known how prophetic they would be for me as I listened to it for the first time almost 1 year ago, ...well, I don't know what I would have thought about it. Good and bad. Bad always follows good.

One year ago I was with T in the middle of the emotional woodchipper that was 4/02 (the maelstrom which will become "Explain it again to me"), ...you were going through a similar frustration, ...so I kinda had to go it alone. I'd never felt like I needed support at any time in my life. In fact, I have relished the opportunity to be alone against the world. But I really needed you then. It would have been too selfish of me burden you with my problems while you struggled with your own, ...so we kinda drifted.

So much has changed. It changed so slowly that it almost seems sudden.

I wish I could re-do the last 12 months. On second thought, I don't.

Yes I do.

2:56 PM

Yes, you

You and I have the same withdrawal tendencies, although we handle them completely differently. Whenever something unpleasant or uncomfortable happens, ...we hide. Or, at the very least, we have the desire to hide.

When I was a young child, I imagined a fortress in my bed. Under the covers was a cozy labyrinth of chambers, designed for security and practicality. A little older, I imagined a small family that lived in the shapes of our linoleum floor. For security, I escaped to their world, or used their advice to navigate my own.

When I was a little older, I designed my future homes on graph paper with rulers and protractors, ...trying to envision every circumstance, every possible future need, so that I would never have to leave. Inevitably, I used water as a gate (to buttress an envisioned "real" gate). I would build this complex on an island or next to a river.

Recently, I acted out these plans as if my life was a blank sheet of paper, and moved to San Diego where I knew no one and lived alone for two years. During this time of intense isolation, I finally was able to see that I had often withdrawn from the world, relationships, and situations.

I also realized that I should not try to suppress this "flight" instinct, but that I should acknowledge it and use it when needed. I can use it to my advantage, like an eastern herbal remedy, using a little each day to prevent a total outbreak. Today I retreat routinely to my room, my patterns, and my lists. All this to clean the mind, ...a human performance of a script to clean my database of bad data:

SQL> drop user x212 cascade;

commit

You are a little different, but I think it is the same desire to not want to be involved with stupidly complicated things. At some point anger and pity fall away and you just want to leave the world where these people and their ceaseless vanity, selfishness, and grief seem to rule unquestioned.

Get a dog. It helps.

Or move to San Diego.

And take me with you.

2:44 PM

A new hope

"What's that religion, ...you know, ...the one with all the well-meaning things that don't work out in real life, ...oh yeah, Christianity!" - Homer

We've all heard anecdotes that go something like this "So, I asked my friend how he got so many girls to go out with him and he said, 'I ask them.'"

I think we all know that this does not work for everybody. Especially me, ...but I have to grudgingly admit that this philosophy worked for me at a time. When I was younger (oh boy, here we go) I had no problem meeting women. I was kind of shameless about it. I'd even hit on escorted women as soon as their boyfriends turned their backs (suckers). Of course, I got shot down a lot, but nothing too messy. The worst was making eye contact with a cute blonde in a light-blue halter top and seeing her face snap into an expression of revulsion as if she had just realized her half-eaten sandwich contained live fire ants feasting on sopping wet, black banana peels. Picking up two girls in one night was not unheard of and usually just required the requisite effort.

So, what happened? Currently I'm at a 12 month dating slump. Yep. 12 months, no females. This is mostly self-imposed as this past summer I became the object of a lot of attention. I chalk that up to the fact that trends finally caught up with me. The emorocker look (messy, dark hair, tight black t-shirt, baggy jeans) hit full force in my hometown in 7/02 and I was a good year ahead of the curve. Well, 12 months ago I met someone who shocked my mind and heart into some kind of altered state and I've not been able to get past it. I think I'm ready now. Which brings me back to the anecdote.

I recently (today) read a similar anecdote that contained a small detail left out by others. I found it on my new favorite blog the Gweilo Diaries, you can read the post here. As Conrad relates, "...the key to doing this successfully was not caring very much whether any particular girl said yes or no. ...A rejection didn't change who he was, hurt his feelings or bruise his ego, he didn't personalize it -- he just repeated the process with the next girl who caught his interest. No clammy hands, no fumbling for words -- effectively, 'you wanna? No? Next.'" I think this hits the mark. Somewhere along the line I started caring. I started putting self-worth and pride on the line. ...why? Well, I haven't figured that out yet. Perhaps it is as simple as "fear itself".For me, I think it is fear of failure more than rejection. I'm not blessed with a silver tongue or quick wit. I'm rather awkward and introspective. Certainly not a talker. Us "boring" people don't enjoy beating someone into a deep slumber with a pillowcase full of our fumbled conversation skills, ...so we simply opt out of the conversation. Alcohol can help fix this for me, ...but then I'm libel to say something I'll regret. Which is worse?

2:27 PM

Meet D

D is my room mate. He is an emotional hamster wheel. Pleasant, forgetful, determinedly blithe.

A few weeks ago during SXSW ...

D is awake and anxious all day Friday, as his band has a big show at 9:30 that night. He starts early with the alcohol, tipping a few Labats before the show and a few afterwards. He's still planning on driving to Austin alone (about 20 hours by car) in time to catch an 8pm show. He leaves the club around midnight, gets into his car, drives home, unloads his drums up two flights of stairs, drives to the airport, rents a car (his car is a company car), and begins his drive to Austin, TX. He drives non-stop except for a 45 minute nap at about 5 am at a rest stop somewhere in the midwest.

He calls me Saturday afternoon from the car. He is near Dallas. He does not have a map. He has a expedia print out that tells him what turns to make, but does not tell him where he is or how far he has to go. He stops at a gas station outside Dallas. Asks how far is it to Austin, how long is the drive, and is he even on the correct highway. The "hicks" at the gas station do not know where Austin is (their capital), nor how to get there, nor how far it is.

He's pissed and swearing up a storm, bitching on-and-on about the stupid "hicks". I interrupt, "Let me get this straight, ...you drive through the night across the country without a map, stop at numerous gas stations without purchasing a map, and you think being lost is someone else's fault?"

He says, "....wait, ...no, ...fuck you!"

Yes, he got there in time. The thing about D is that he seemingly does almost everything the wrong way, but somehow things end up working out for him. He calls 10 times on Sunday night at around 2am. I'm not answering, trying to sleep. After about 4 attempts to leave a message (resulting in silence, curses about not knowing how to leave a message, and fumbling with the phone), Matt (our old buddy now living in Austin) leaves a message. He is mid-sentence and mid-profanity when the message starts. They are at the Wendy's drive-thru and have absolutely nothing to say (except to describe what they are ordering), which makes me wonder why they tried to get through so many times. They are obviously lit up pretty good. Monday night, 8ish. He's in Memphis. Thinking about stopping in Chicago for a drink (yeah, that's exactly what he needs) with our buddy Mick if he gets there before 2am. I tell him he's nuts, which would be a long overdue sentiment if I didn't already tell him that every day.

4:29 PM

Tax dollars at work

One of my uncles had a funny comment at our easter lunch this weekend. It went something like this:
"I don't mind the war, it gives me chance to see my tax dollars at work for once. They spend all this money on weapons and machinary, so it's nice to see that the stuff we pay for actually works."

4:08 PM

Last night

I am a prison guard in this 2 part dream. The prison resembles the prison in Mafia: The City of Lost Heaven (if you haven't played this game, you are REALLY missing out).

Part 1. The bald soccer hooligan from last week's Fastlane was in a cell beating up a youngster from the latin mob. He aims to kill him. I shoot through bars and hit him in the shoulder, he looks at me like "what are you doing?", then continues beating the latino kid on the ground. My second shot goes straight into his head and he falls back onto the prison cot.

Part 2. I'm wandering through this prison, half-awake, taking in all the small details. The darkness of the corridors, the requisite puddles of water on the concrete floor, maze-like passages, ...I'm a little scared that so many prisoners seem to be walking around freely. I walk outside where I feel safer because it is daylight. It becomes obvious that this is a poorly run prison, corrupt even. Prisoners come and go. Guards usher in prostitutes for the convicted. I make a mental comment about how guards and prisoners must develop a kin-ship when confined together. I walk near the front gate and notice a dark-haired prisoner walking in from the outside. I follow him inside the main prison building, which looks like a courthouse lobby, ...tall ceilings, marble floors, benches along the wall for the long wait of bureaucracy. He walks into a men's restroom only be be confronted by 3 officers walking out. One of them is the warden. Before the prisoner can run, he is grabbed, slammed against the wall, and dragged into the rest room. The warden yells for me to clear the lobby, which I do. As I usher the families of the convicted to an adjacent hallway, I can hear the prisoner getting severely beaten. When they are finished, the warden comes out and tells me I did a good job. I thank him for the compliment and walk away as the two remaining officers drag the non-moving body out of the rest room and down the hall.

3:55 PM

Mr. Personality

I know I'm not the only one creeped out by the masked participants in the latest reality show on Fox. They look like terrorists from a bad 80's action movie. What's worse, the female prize kisses them, embraces them, hot tubs with them, and even sleeps with them! How can the creepiness be lost on her? That show looks like a train wreck on the way. At least the expanding Monica Lewinsky will be aboard when the train hits wall.

3:32 PM

Today's Fortune

"Your moral fortitude inspires others."

Thank you Wong's Wok. At least someone believes in me.

12:18 PM

Dorks need love?

I'll come right out and admit to using online personals sites to meet people. I also do it the old fashioned way, ...clumsily slurring your way through a pick up line in a crowded, smokey, noisy bar, ...call me nostalgic. I used to say I preferred to meet my mate the old way, but now I honestly don't see the difference. I haven't quite pin-pointed the reason, but something has changed in the giant clearance bin that is American culture. These sites are now necessary. My theory is that with our general affluence, cheap and easy travel opportunities, and futuristic-style communications ...the available pool of potential mates is enormous. It spans mountains, timezones, even international borders. Frankly, I think this gives us false hope that the perfect someone is "out there". Not "perfect" people, mind you, ...but people who compliment our lifestyle choices quite nicely. Think about it, we're not forced to marry someone from our neighborhood, hometown, home state, or workplace. Hardly anyone I know sets out to meet "a nice girl" or "nice guy". I'm also convinced that the people who claim to be seeking something as simple as that are lying. How many times have we passed over a nice girl or nice guy for no reason other than that there was some undefinable quality missing. We're all looking for that spark, that slap on the back of head from cupid's yardstick. Maybe we've all seen too many movies. I knew that somehow this was John Cusack's fault.

3:57 PM

I'm not a geek, I'm just a guy

I actually used that line today, ...

Only when you try to have a meaningful conversation with someone from abroad do you realise how much of our language is made up of Seinfeld-like pop-cultural references. Or maybe it's just me, ...anyway. If you live in the northern part of the US, you've been hit with a bitter snowstorm this week. Here in the midwest, we still got snow on the ground. When I described this to a cute, educated woman from overseas I met online, I described my city as "currently frozen like the planet Hoth."

I know Star Wars is an international movie, but she had no idea what I was talking about. She probably thought I was talking about a frozen moon somewhere in our solar system. When I explained where the reference came from I felt the need to explain that I'm not some geeky Star Wars nut, just a normal guy. Hense the title.

3:45 PM

Today's Fortune

"You will make change for the better"

2:15 PM