Commence Pants Peeing
If you ever go back to 1987 and find a dork who looks like he is internally narrating his own life, wearing a black wool jacket that reeks of Polo, and sporting a yellow smileyface button with a glob of red paint on it, please don't show him
this picture unless you want to see this sad creature pee on himself in excitement.
Furthermore, don't tell him date the picture was taken. Knowing he would have to wait 20 years to see this might be enough to push him off the edge, if you know what I mean.
So, What About the Moss for Rodgers Rumors?
On the surface, it would appear that bringing Randy Moss to Green Bay is the
Batmobile of bad ideas.
At first glance you might think that bringing in a
lazy,
pot smoking,
locker room cancer and
all-around douchebag who has
personally and directly insulted your fans is about as good an idea as letting
Marquand Manuel drop coverage for another 16 games (but his pirouettes are nice).
I guess the theory goes that past history will absolutely NEVER EVER repeat itself. So what - if Moss has been a destructive force on two different teams? So what- if we've seen other loudmouth players like TO create a circus at three different franchises? Since history NEVER repeats itself, there's absolutely no reason to fear that it will happen here. Right?
I mean, our team is young and seems to be stocked with high character individuals, ...why would we want to protect that? It's not like there's any chance that Moss will be a bad influence on anyone. So what - if he acts like an unrepentant petulant
shitstain and still gets millions of dollars, lots of attention, and many second chances? That's the type of example our young players SHOULD be seeing, right?
Furthermore, we all know how well Moss runs routes. Just remember all those highlight clips of him going over the middle or finding precise cracks in zone coverage or diving into traffic on a quick slant. Yeah, he's a super fit for our team.
So, there's no reason to go after other free agents like Joe Horn (who has experience with our head coach), or Drew
Bennet (a good 3rd receiver), or
Donte Stallworth (experienced in the system).
Nope, those are all dead-ends. It's Moss all the way baby.
Why do I have this sick feeling in my
stomach?
We've got some catching up to do
Family - fine
Me - fine
In a couple of weeks I'll be headed to California for our yearly corporate get-together. Each year they treat us all to some fun event, ...two years ago we went to a huge arcade with fancy, team-based games, last year we had casino night, and this year we'll be going
here for the night. Working for a west coast company certainly has its benefits.
I just got done shoveling
in the rain. In all my years on
Hoth I have never seen the sidewalks transformed into
creekbeds lined with tall walls of
snush (snow+slush). It was like I was shoveling mud out of a running river.
After dredging the
creekbeds, I went to the alley behind my garage and found one big sheet of slush cake with snow icing on top and running stream of water underneath. After removing some of it, I realized that the slush was slowing down the water as it ran down the alley to sewers. Each time I cleared a small channel, water rushed through it. I could see what would happen if I left any obstruction in the alley, ...the water would slow, gel, and eventually freeze right in front of my garage door. And as every dad knows, the crippling fear of your child sliding out in front of a speeding steam roller is enough to make you stand in 4 inches of slush and water while heaving shovels full of back-breaking slush until the alley was dry enough for a beach party. Well, I might be
exaggerating a little.
Everything Will Be Ok
I’ve learned something about myself, …which is a bigger accomplishment than it sounds given how dull the source material is. But, yes, I think I’ve learned one of the reasons behind one of my most persistent flaws: my inability to “let go” of things.
Why do I carry with me the ego-slicing hurt of a thousand failures, the obstinate paranoia of unrequited love, the sometimes self-destructive need to replace or recapture what I’ve lost?
I think it is because my mind works like a print queue, processing thoughts in a linear fashion. Until one is properly resolved, I cannot move on to the next.
How many things in life are really ever properly resolved? And so the queue fills up with memories of things I shouldn’t have said, things I shouldn’t have done. Like a cheap plasma screen, every social encounter carries a ghost image blooper reel. And when an unexpected crisis shoots to the top of the queue, …everything crashes.
I think this is why I have been unable to write or do anything that requires the ability to think clearly (like work) since the recent family situation that brought us a surprising amount of sadness.
We’ve gotten through it. And we know how it looks in perspective, …how on the great balance sheet in the clouds we are way way way ahead. We’ve been lucky in life. Personally, I have more than I deserve. And we can always start over and try again.
And while I knew these things at the time, they were just words. They didn’t help me break through the binds that kept my emotions in check. So, I spent the last month not being able to feel great happiness or great sadness, a quiet passenger looping through the city with a mind weighted down by heavy trains of cluttered thought.
But eventually, in small doses, the bright shards of life began to return. I started hitting the gym again, regained my footing on the novel in my mind, re-started abandoned home-projects, and began, once-again, to contemplate the idea of adding another to our family.
And I began to think about why I haven’t been able to write anything here about it. And that’s when my newly clear mind figured it out.
I hadn’t dealt with the fear, the helpless fear that clawed at me those days when I listened silently as our new life washed away on the other side of the world.
And you know what made the fear go away? It was my wife’s nerdy version of family planning. She actually used a calculator and calendar, believing she can time a pregnancy to enable her to maximize the efficiency of her school schedule. At first, I worried that she was planning on a certainty when a pregnancy is never that.
But that was just more of the fear talking. She explained (with a laugh) that she knew it wasn’t a certainty that she will get pregnant again, but she wanted to do this extensive planning, “just in case”.
She was not afraid. In fact, there is no hint of fear in her outlook at all, as if it was selected out because it simply didn’t match her schedule. And so I should not be afraid either.
Now, I realize this prose is not a good exhibit of “clear thinking”, but a new perspective does grow within me.
It is absent of fear, and it feels good.
Her Other Culture
Since my wife and daughter returned from their Japan trip, I’ve noticed a distinct change in my daughter. Whereas she left an American girl, she has returned as a camera-toting, sandal-wearing Japanese girl.
For a child her age, two weeks immersion is enough to reboot the language and culture chips in your brain. She now nods and bows in conversation, is obsessed with cameras and cell-phones, and yells Japanese expressions at the dog.
The clincher occurred the other morning as I roused her from her crib. She hung her head bashfully low and avoided my eyes, telling me something was “scary”.
“What is scary, honey?”
She pointed to the wall across the room.
"What?"
"Robot."
"A robot?"
She nodded a strong, healthy "Yes".
"Where is the robot?"
She pointed to the wall across the room again to a small stack of boxes my wife was using to pack away clothes my daughter had outgrown. No boogie-man, no monsters, no wolves, no snakes, ...her imagination sees a robot.
"Underage girl with more tits than brains"
It pretty much delivers what it advertises.
I shouldn't have posted
My evolving feelings about the prospect of having another child are sadly irrelevant now.
My wife and daughter had embarked on their aformentioned trip to the homeland on Friday. They landed early Saturday morning and called me to say that everything was fine. Our daughter slept for only 2 hours of the 13 hour trip, but was well behaved as usual.
The trouble began the very next morning. She called to tell me the news, and I will spare the details, but we were clearly at risk of losing, or having already lost the baby.
For second time in my life, she was at risk of losing our child and I was thousands of miles away with no ability to do anything about it. I could not help her, care for her, or take her to the doctor.
The situation is difficult enough without having to deal with it through a phone line, ...with her going through all of the drama on her own and then reporting back to me.
By that evening she had seen the first of several doctors, and while they could not confirm anything at that time, both her and I were 90% sure we had already lost the baby.
This morning she called and confirmed, "I'm not pregnant anymore."
And so our momentary happiness is shattered, ...along with the plans and expectations we embarked on.
I will not get a chance to see her or hold her or comfort her for another 10 days, and I'm sure that none of the healing will begin until that happens.
And then we will try again.
On the day I spent the lunch hour shopping for HDTVs
It started innocently enough, with my wife searching the kitchen for a missing bag of chips over successive days (I later found them in a high cabinet she could not reach were she standing on the shoulders of a swede).
Then two new bags of chips appeared in the kitchen one afternoon, one of them "Dill Pickle" flavor, I kid you not. Why on earth they make such an abomination, I have no idea. Then, a day later, she broke out into ravenous drooling during an Outback steakhouse commercial featuring a Blooming Onion. That onion was her #1 topic of conversation that evening, ...even in conversations she was apparantly having with herself.
Now I’m not exactly Columbo, but these events were duly gathered and sorted in
mi craneo for future reference.
Then, on the last warm, sunny evening of 2006 she tiredly rolled herself out on the couch in expectant silence.
"So, how was your day?"
"Had a doctor’s appointment," Ok, I had forgotten about her appointment. Recently she’d worried that she was experiencing symptoms of premature menopause and this had generated a few doctor visits. The doctors had told her she had nothing to worry about (as had I), but they ran a test anyway. Results were to be forthcoming, ...so perhaps these were the results.
"What did the doctor say?"
"I’m pregnant," She deadpanned. I glossed over this comment at first, assuming it to be a joke. I said I thought she was going to the doctor for test results, which led her to talk about the test itself, and then to recall our daughter’s cute antics in the examination room.
But of course, her statement was hanging over everything that was spoken in those few minutes (not that I really heard any of it). I tumbled the veracity of her statement around like a lozenge, but I couldn’t decide if it was true or not. Worse yet, I didn’t know how to ask. You see, since our first born, she has wanted/insisted that we have another child, while I’ve always been content and truly happy with our current head count. So, I knew if I asked in a negative fashion there would be no consoling her and no amount of clarification would suffice.
"So, are you really pregnant?"
And she nodded, yes.
While my first conscious thoughts were dominated by the uncertainty this news created, deep in my gut there was a bright, humming ball of restrained happiness that grew as we talked (kind of like the Grinch’s heart, ...in fact,
exactly like that).
Even as I wondered how we would afford it, how we could afford it, and how in the hell I ever will afford this, ...the happiness grew. And inside my own head of worry, I was unable to fight off the notion that I was happy about it. I
was happy about it, ...and that surprised me more than the news itself.
Even as I began to realize that the situation caused by this news was bringing me nothing but worry, nothing could stop the Grinch-like smile from being drawn across my face.
But my feelings would evolve (and continue to) in the following days, ...but more on that later.
Oh, ...and the HDTV plan scheduled for execution in summer '07 went up in smoke as if by the touch of the "Reality Fairy's" wand.
I hate that fairy.
Nice Video
Never has a
video so brilliantly merged three of my favorite interests.
Packers At the Almost-Half-Way Point
5. Saved by the Bell, the TV series
4. Any non-presidential political debate
3. The Customs line at any major airport
2. Easter Sunday with my extended family
1. The 2006 Green Bay Packers
Yes, you guessed it, …a list of the most boring things in the entire world.
A season that had promise to be a stomach-twisting slalom of nail-biting ineptitude, crazy roster decisions, locker room freakouts, and dazzling self-inflicted collapses has turned into a dull, slowly improving yet horribly limited parade.
We can’t get excited about the team’s prospects because they look very dim for the immediate and near future, yet we can’t emotionally profit from the venting that a Denny Green type season would afford us.
So, we watch, they play, and every week I end up with nothing to say.
The only somewhat interesting thought that came into my head while watching David Martin inexplicably perform like a legitimate NFL tight-end was, “Is he in a contract year?”
Answer:
YES.
So, they are in good shape to hit my prediction of 5 wins, they might even pull out one more. But the competition they face from here on out is tougher than the competition they've faced so far.
I think they will beat my prediction and win three more games, losing six more for a pathetic and boring 6-10 record.
Just bad enough to have no hope, just good enough to avoid having to say "They are who we thought they were!"
In other words, ...boring.
Conversation
"Honey, I want to take a trip to Japan," she said. Ok, no problem. She had wanted to take annual trips to the homeland with toddler and myself in tow, ...but her work and school schedule have made that difficult. We've also accepted the fact that I cannot afford to go with her every time. "I'd like to leave December 19th or 20th and come back on the 2nd."
Wait wait wait wait wait, ...what?
"Over Christmas?!?!" I respond.
"Yes."
"No."
That conversation was had a few weeks ago. It ended as quickly as it started, but then today ...
"I'm thinking to take a trip to Japan next month for two weeks."
"In December?"
"No, next month is November."
Well, yes. But tomorrow is also November, but anyway ...
"Ok, when?"
"I'd like to leave November 22nd and come back on the 6th."
Wait wait wait wait wait, ...what?
"Over Thanksgiving?!?!"
"Yes."
"No."
But it didn't end there.
Her position:
Because of a rare break in work duties (boss is going to Paris and closing the clinic for a week), she can get away with a 2 week trip. Any other time of the year, she would only be able to go for one week.
This is important because her family is greatly dispersed as are her friends, and traveling more that 5 miles in Tokyo is equivalent to an all day obstacle course. She needs 14 days to do everything she needs to do.
My Position:
Thanksgiving is an important holiday here in the states and I simply won't let my daughter miss out on the first Thanksgiving she will ever remember. She's 2.5 years old now, and can finally understand things like birthdays, halloween, Christmas, etc.
Also, I'm a softy for the whole X-Mas season. The most depressing time during my two year isolation on the west coast was Thanskgiving because I could never afford to come home if I also wanted to fly home for X-Mas. So, I would whittle away on my heart with a few bottles of wine, a playlist of sad songs, and a homecooked meal for one.
I refuse to go back to THAT place.
Her position:
Her mom hasn't seen our daughter for two years.
My position:
Cut your trip short by just a few days and go AFTER Thanksgiving. You will still have time to do what you need to do (you will never be able to everything you want to do anyway), and we can still have Thanksgiving together.
Her position:
No.
Eventually I managed to slice a couple of days off of her trip. Initially I suggested she leave Monday, then Sunday, then Saturday, ...she finally agreed to leave on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving.
After it was over, I began to wonder if I was wrong to place the importance of a family Thanksgiving over her ability to spend a few extra days exposing our daugher to her home culture (aside from family visits, this is her true unspoken motivation).
My conclusion, ...no, I was not in the wrong.
I'm not stopping her from going there, nor am I categorically stopping her from spending two weeks there. I just don't want our daughter and family to miss out on important American cultural events. Our daughter is growing up here after all, and even if my wife doesn't care about these things, ...I do. And our daughter eventually will.
So, I think she should have been more flexible.
I Wish the Packers were Funnier …
But they aren't.
They are simply a team in the bottom-middle of the league, saddled with dysfunctional stewardship, inexperienced coaches, and a surplus of turds from the previous and current administration.
They are the Cleveland Browns.
They won't lose every game, but they will lose most games. They will play good for a half, then collapse. Go on a promising drive, then drop a pass. Force a 3rd down, then forget to cover a receiver.
They will hire a defensive backs coach that is so awful, he threatens to blow up the entire team. You could have read about it in the paper last week, or in the Green
Bay paper today, ...or just seen
my post from 7 months ago on the day he was hired.
They will sign the questionable player who has run out of 3rd chances.
They will go after other teams' role players and pay them like starters, then act surprised when they perform poorly.
The powers at be will show just enough improvement to justify hanging around for a few years, feeding off the rotting corpse of the franchise.
So, I've got just one thing to say to Packer's fans after last night's game.
Better get used to it.
Packers-Lions Game
The Packers will lose today, so it's just as well that I have to work while watching the game, ...so I might as well post my angry comments up here during the game.
KickoffAn improvement, we're not starting inside the 20!
1st SeriesAll that talk about the Packers abandoning the run last week has continued into this game, ...3 passes, two dropped.
Lions DriveIt's nice to see consistancy in your team, ...guess how the Lions got their first two first downs? Dump off screen pass to a running back out of the backfield.
Sound familiar?
Jennings TDWow, what is it about Jennings? In the pre-season most of his big plays and TDs came on broken coverages where defenders stumbled into one another or rubbed each other out. Now it's happened in the regular season. I give that credit to McCarthy, designing routes that give his players a chance to get open and get down field.
Two commercial breaks since the TD and no replays of it??
Oh yeah, and you can tell we're a bad team again, getting Ron Pitts and grandpa Simpson two weeks in a row. At least we're not getting Maas, ...if Favre retires, expect a healthy dose of Maas next year.
Lions TDAh, yes. There it is. A running back out of the backfield completely fools the Packers and makes Marquand Manuel look like a flailing rag doll. All you need now is to replace a bunch of all-pro players with a bag of acorns and you have the mission statement of the Ted Thompson regime.
Defensive TDI feel like I should make the sign of the cross for protection while saying these words, ...Ahmad Carrol makes a great play on the ball. And right now I'd prefer to see him starting over Manuel.
HerronI've never understood the desire to keep Herron on the roster. He's never done anything to warrant it, except possibly suck slightly less than other cast-offs. What did Ron Wolf say last year about NFL Europe players?
2nd HalfI'm assuming Herron is already on the bus enroute to Green Bay because the new guy is playing.
After an uneventful 3rd quarter, the Packers defense shows up and pins the Lions deep in their own territory, get good field position, and Favre authors a gutsy TD drive.
FinaleThe Packers step up again on defense and manage to hold off the Lions for the rest of the game, surrendering only another FG.
But, lest we forget that we are watching the worst team in the league play the third worst team in the league, Ahman promptly fumbles and gives the Lions one more drive to try and tie the game.
But Kitna couldn't get the ball into the end zone and with that, we ended the sordid-but-very-real possibility of an 0-16 season.
Can we really ask for anything more?
Saints-Packers Recap
Here's all you need to know.
First Quarter: (5:40) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to Deuce McAllister out of the backfield for 24 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
Second Quarter:(8:52) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to Reggie Bush out of the backfield for 10 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
(3:15) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to AaronStecker out of the backfield for 7 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
(1:19) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to C.McIntyre out of the backfield for 10 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
Third Quarter:(4:24) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to Reggie Bush out of the backfield for 23 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
(3:34) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to Reggie Bush out of the backfield for 7 yards, completely fooling the Packers.
Fourth Quarter:(10:12) Drew Brees dumps off a pass to Reggie Bush out of the backfield for 7 yards, completely fooling the Packers. First Down.
And on the offensive side:
First Quarter:1-10-NO15 (9:36) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to G.Jennings.
2-10-NO15 (9:32) B.Favre pass
incomplete short right to B.Franks.
3-10-NO15 (9:25) B.Favre pass short middle to A.Green to NO 6 for 9 yards
fg
Second Quarter:1-10-GB23 (14:47) B.Favre pass
incomplete deep middle to D.Driver.
2-10-GB23 (14:42) B.Favre pass short right to D.Martin to GB 30 for 7 yards
3-3-GB30 (14:04) B.Favre pass
incomplete short middle to D.Driver.
punt
1-10-GB20 (11:33) PENALTY on GB-B.Franks, False Start - No Play.
1-15-GB15 (11:33) B.Favre pass
incomplete short middle to B.Franks.
2-15-GB15 (11:29) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to G.Jennings.
3-15-GB15 (11:26) B.Favre pass
incomplete short middle to A.Green.
punt
after a first down ...
1-10-GB31 (:36) B.Favre pass short right to A.Green to GB 38 for 7 yards
2-3-GB38 (:30) B.Favre pass
incomplete deep right to R.Ferguson.
3-3-GB38 (:25) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to R.Martin.
punt
Third Quarter:1-10-GB16 (5:36) A.Green right tackle to GB 17 for 1 yard
2-9-GB17 (5:00) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to B.Franks.
3-9-GB17 (4:56) B.Favre pass short right to G.Jennings ran ob at GB 24 for 7 yards
punt
Fourth Quarter:1-10-GB41 (12:21) B.Favre sacked at GB 29 for -12 yards
2-22-GB29 (11:51) PENALTY on GB-T.Moll, False Start - No Play.
2-27-GB24 (11:34) B.Favre pass
incomplete deep left to G.Jennings
3-27-GB24 (11:29) A.Green right tackle to GB 23 for -1 yards
punt
and the final series:
after a first down, ...
1-10-NO44 (2:17) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to A.Green.
2-10-NO44 (2:10) B.Favre pass
incomplete short left to D.Martin.
3-10-NO44 (2:07) B.Favre pass
incomplete deep left to G.Jennings.
4-10-NO44 (2:02) B.Favre pass
incomplete deep left to R.Ferguson.
