My Take on American Idol
Ok, yes. I watch American Idol. My wife likes to watch it and I think it is occasionally interesting, so I watch it as well. I am mostly dispassionate about it, but you can't help but root for some contestants over others.This year's crop is particularly uninteresting. None of the final four have delivered a memorable performance that would indicate they are star material, but in a stunning travesty, the best of them was sent home tonight.
The remaining three contestants are a sorry lot.
First, we have my least favorite, Elliott Yamin. The best way to describe his appearance is to imagine tying a toad to the end of a string and whipping it against a wall for 10 minutes. That's what his face looks like.
But what about his voice? Whether he is speaking or singing, you can actually hear the 9 ounces of saliva in his mouth. You either expect him to slurp or start splashing saliva about the stage. It's unnerving.
But he can hit the notes, there's no doubt about that. The problem is that he projects no personality in his voice, musical arrangements, pained facial expressions, goofy attire, lame mannerisms, in his words, or in his song choices. In fact, last night he sang, "Trouble" and it was absolutely hilarious. The guy with the intensity of Moleman is singing the lines "I'm Evil. My middle name is misery." And he sang it in a sing-songy fashion like he was seranading grannies on the Jerry Lewis telethon.
Why the judges have been pushing him and fools have been voting for him, I will never know.
My next least favorite is Katharine "clearly a total bitch" McPhee. Each time a judge dares to say something not completely glowing about the little princess, she scrunches up her face as if to say, "What? I'm not perfect? Daddy says I'm perfect. And you're fat anyway!"
I'm sure she is personally responsible for 70% of the eating disorders at her high school.
She's the type of girl who would act all grossed out if you ever tried to talk her up, as if you were a different (and lower) species.
My next least favorite is Taylor, the guy who's 28 going on 57. As Simon has said, he looks and acts and mostly sings like the old, weird, single, gassy, intoxicated uncle who grabs the microphone at your cousin's wedding.
When he sings songs from past eras, he sounds and looks great. In fact, he did real well last night singing "In the Ghetto".
But when he tries to get funky, it's just a colossal embarrassment.
One of these three will be the winner.
Unbelievable.
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