The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

Day One Review

AJ - Good, safe pick. He will be a playa, won't be a superstar. His greatest asset is his attitude. The Pack is sorely lacking in that department.

Colledge - Half-yawn. He has a chance to start, but has a way to go. Might be ok. They needed help here, but I think they could have taken a better player here. He may pan out 3 years from now, but there were plenty of players available that would make an impact today.

Jennings - Someone please explain to me how this bum is better than Brandon Williams. He played at Western Michigan for crying out loud. I think they played Brookfield Central last year. Let's see, he's small, slow, can't jump, hasn't played top-notch college opposition, and is unable to catch the deep pass. Now, what does it say about a player that can't catch the deep pass? It says he can't get open. If you can't get open at 1-AA how will you get open in the pros? He's a BUM!

Abdul Hodge - Great name. Great ability. Lacks the size to be a pro, or so they say. The Packers must buy into that assessment because they project him as a backup. You know, that's exactly what the Packers need to get to the next level, great bench-sitters. That's how New England won all those Super Bowls. It only makes sense to spend a day one pick on a backup. If this guy is any good, shove him into the middle, kick Barnett to the outside and unleash the hounds. If he can't handle that, then why the hell did Teen Wolf take him?

Spitz - Worst. Profile. Photo. Ever. Probably a backup. Might compete at center. Yawn.

It seems that Teen Wolf doesn't have a good feeling about any of the mid-to-late-round players. I'd have prefered fewer, better quality picks. But Teen Wolf has a stiffy for below average role players, and he's attempting to corner the market on those. Brilliant!

8:12 AM

Mystery Time

Yesterday was a banner day at frogurt estates. It was the day the garage door company would come install my new, steel insta-rust door and click-o-matic openerolla, making my car-hole whole again.

Since the beginning of the garage repair saga, my wife and I have been parking our cars on the street. Wednesday night was our LAST night parking on the street, …of course you can guess what happened.

Yes, we both got tickets.

I know what you’re thinking, “you should have bought parking permits you stupid fucking bastards!” But we did! Unfortunately, when you are parked on the “wrong” side of the street, permits are as impotent as a Chad Moeller at the plate (or behind it).

For reasons that I can’t understand, we have to park on the even side of the street on even days and the odd side of the street on odd days. It doesn’t matter how stupid that rule is, we were odd and the day was even.

Total cost for parking my car(s) on the street for a few weeks during the garage repair: $81
$12 permit to cover the last week of March, which is the last month of the first quarter and they only sell the permits by the quarter.
$15 dollar parking ticket for parking on the wrong side of the street.
$24 for two parking permits to cover the first couple of weeks in April.
$30 in parking tickets for parking on the wrong side of the street again.

Next up, my mouth.

A nagging toothache got worse on Wednesday, so I booked time at the local crack-tooth for Thursday AM. This caused me to cancel two appointments I made with fence companies to quote me on the cost of fencing in the WND.

The smaller fence company guy (let’s call him Al) decided to come anyway and asked me to leave them a sketch of what I wanted. The bigger fence company guy (let’s call him Geezer) never got my message about the cancellation and came at the same time as the smaller fence company. I’m sure I missed one sweet fence-oriented kung-fu throwdown.

Both of them were dueling quotes in my yard at the same time the garage door workers were there installing my door.

An Order

Obviously attracted by all the money bleeding from my pockets, the city inspector came by at the same time.

He was interested in a small (SMALL) pile of debris in my backyard that was the byproduct of the recent construction and repair work. I had planned to transport this SMALL pile to the city dump on Saturday.

Well, I guess one of my lovely neighbors called the city to report me, because he left me with an order to clean up my “nuisance” within 24 hours.

The SMALL pile of debris is actually only half debris, half perfectly good woodpile. It is on my property, and obscured from the public by my garbage cans and a series of shrubs. It is inaccessible by the public unless they enter my property and walk around my garage bin area.

Anyway, this qualifies as a “nuisance” to someone in my neighborhood. But who?

Here’s my list of suspects:

Alternative lifestyle couple to the south
Unlikely. Although I was mad at them last year for feeding water to the WND in a way that implied I was a negligent dog owner, we get along well and are buddies now. Also, I just talked to them this weekend and told them I planned to move the wood pile by Saturday. However, she was silent when I said this, so maybe she had already registered her complaint. Again unlikely because she was out of town all week prior.

Oddly hostile couple to the north
Actually, only the women is hostile, and only hostile to me for reasons I think I’ve figured out. Her face is a dead ringer for Ana Kournikova, but her body is a dead ringer for present day Britney Spears. I think her hostility is based on the fact that she was once very attractive and probably looked down at guys like me who were beneath her and would never have a shot with her. But now, I’m clearly in her league if not out of her league, and I think she resents it. I say this because she was hostile from day one, when I hadn’t even had the opportunity to aggrieve her. Her husband is ok, though. Seems like a normal guy with a normal face. The women is a stay-at-home mom, so she has enough time to obsess over my wood pile, and she already doesn’t like me. She’s my number 1 suspect.

Women across the alley with invisible husband
I’ve met and talked to the women, but never seen the husband. I assume he exists because there is a sports car in the garage, and she drives a different car. They seem like the kind of people who would call the city on my, but I doubt they an even see it from their garage. They are suspects number 2 by default.

The old couple
They live a house away to the south. They are skiddish and suspicious. Also, they gave my alternative lifestyle neighbor a hard time about a bush planted near the property line. They are exactly the type of people to do this, …but they are old. I doubt they ever saw the woodpile because you would kinda have to be on foot to see it.

I suspect everyone, and I suspect no one. But I am going to test my neighbors to see if they betray themselves. And yes, I am going to obsess about this.

I will get revenge.

3:00 PM

Mr. Frogurt Gives This Rumor a Big Thumbs Up

Hugo Weaving as the Joker.

My first choice is, of course, Swiper. But if they can't get him, Hugo is just as good.

11:15 AM

Storm Costs Money

For those of you who deny that the natural state of the world involves sticking it to me at every possible moment, …

Last night we had a wind storm. Not the worst wind storm we’ve had in the last 12 months, but it was pretty gusty. I thought I noticed a disturbance in the force, but I assumed it was just the wind being the wind, so I ignored it.

This morning I went outside to let the WND out for a pee and noticed that my patio table was not as upright as it usually was.

The table, the frame actually, was on it’s side and the glass top was scattered about my yard is 4 hundred-million pebble-sized pieces.

It get’s worse. The high winds spread a river of glass around to the side of my house, all along the side walkway, and out into the front yard.

It get’s worse. Thousands of tiny glass granules are tucked between the grass blades of my lawn and the only way to get them out is to pick them one at a time.

It get’s worse. Because my garage was being repaired, I could not keep my lawn mower in it. It’s been at my parents house, and therefore I have not been able to cut the lawn, so it is extra thick right now.

It get’s worse. I cannot cut the lawn until all the glass is recovered, lest I spray death chips about the neighborhood.

It get’s worse. This morning it was freezing cold and still windy, so I had to attempt to collect the glass (bit by bit) in awful conditions.

Naturally, this will cost me. Good thing I didn’t just spend over two grand to fix my garage, otherwise money would be really tight. Oh wait, …

So, if you see the world today, cockpunch him for me.

3:32 PM

Teen Wolf on the Clock

Well, not yet.

Soon.

As a service to our beady-eyed, caught-in-the-headlights GM, I'll give him my EZ-Draft Rankings for this year.

Since Bush will go #1, I'll leave him off of my list.

1. Super Mario Williams
2. Vince II Young
3. D'Brick
4. Trade down

AJ might be a good player, but is he a #5 overall? No.

You can't pass up on Young if he's there, I'd take him.

Why Crouton-head might take him?

1. His coach passed on Rodgers last year, and might not believe that he's "the guy".
2. He believes in taking the best overall player and not drafting for need.

Why he might not?

1. Stupidity.
2. Idiocy.
3. Brain-freeze.
4. With Young on the board, he's likely to get some very sweet trade offers. Some might be too good to pass up.

9:55 PM

And I Thought IKEA Made Crap

Last weekend I made my first four trips to the World Market store in Southridge mall.

Why four trips? Read on.

Trip number one

The place seemed nice. Much of the furniture was not grossly overpriced like Crate and Barrel, just moderately overpriced. Despite all the nice furnishings, they didn't have anything we needed, so we started to make our way out when I noticed this item. (Click ZOOM/MORE PHOTOS to see the inside)

It was perfect for our living room. Plenty of storage for our DVDs and many of our CDs, and the ability to hide all the clutter behind nice mission style doors.

I measured the unit and headed for home to make sure it would fit. It did, so back I went.

Trip number two

A college-aged Stiffler-type "dude" processed the transaction and helped me load it into the family SUV. He was very proud of his rather nice-but-not-huge biceps, making sure to tell me that he moves so much furniture that he asks his manager to pay for his gym membership. He lifted the awkward unit by himself and stuffed it into my car with some difficulty, but I understood. Once he had made a show of moving it by himself, he couldn't back down and ask for help.

At home I moved it into the house by myself (small biceps and all), and unpacked, assembled, and moved it into position. While assembling it I had noticed several cracks on the plywood backing, but I paid it no mind. Once I started to adjust the interior shelves, I noticed some cracks in the actual structure of the unit. At first I just noticed one, then two, then three. Then I noticed a place where the finish had been poorly applied and the original wood grain color was showing.

After much thought, I decided to take it back. Fortunately, they didn't need me to repack it. Just the unit and the receipt.

Trip number three

Luckily, they had another unit. By this time it was getting late so there were fewer associates on the floor. Since I now knew where the stock room was (having been back there when the first unit was moved to my car), I went straight to the back room and found the "dude" chatting with two co-workers.

We retrieved the new unit, inspected it, and loaded it into my car. This time, the "dude" got help.

This unit was in better shape than the last unit, so I felt good about it. I got it home, loaded it into the house, assembled, and found another crack.

Yes, a crack that was missed during our inspection. A bad crack in a bad place. This crack went through the bottom-left hinge, weakening the support for the left door causing it to sag and scrape against the bottom of the unit.

I decided to try and live with it, thinking that I could possibly repair and remedy the fault. Then I noticed the knobs on the doors. They were drilled and attached unevenly. One knob was about 3 cms higher and further outside than the other.

It was noticeable. *sigh*

The fourth trip

Five minutes to closing time. I walk in. The "dude" is on the phone at the front registers. He sees me, and I motion towards the parking lot and shake my head.

"No!" he exclaimed.

"Yep," I replied.

So I showed him the cracks and the knobs, and he was apologetic, but it ain't his fault.

I wanted to talk to a manager, but it was Easter eve and I knew none would be around. So, I got my money back, bid farewell to the "dude", and vowed never to buy furniture from that store again.

It's sorta funny, ...I'm exactly the type of person World Market would like to sell to or make a good impression with. I'm young, a recent home owner, married, and slightly vain. That's a scientific formula for massive furniture buying over a lifetime.

I may have lost a day of my weekend, and some of my patience, ...but they lost quite a bit more on that day.

I wonder if anyone in their corporate office ponders formulations like that when they make their cost/benefit decisions. Somehow I doubt it.

9:26 PM

WND Unleashed

As I stepped into my living room yesterday evening after a long day at the sensory deprivation cubicle, I noticed that my wife had a small baggie of ice balanced on her hand.

I asked what was wrong, but she lowered her head and didn’t answer.

Now, I know she accidentally burns herself in the kitchen about every 6 hours (or so it seems), so I assumed she had done it again. But when I asked, she silently shook her head “no”.

It was then that I realized that her silence was caused by a small spring stream of tears.

Here’s what happened.

Yesterday evening she went outside to retrieve the mail. On her way back, she attempted to let the World’s Naughtiest Dog (WND) back into house. The WND had been out all afternoon as usual, barking at dogs and squirrels and shadows and the imaginary cat-demons that only exist in her mind, so it was about time to let her inside where she could obsessively pace the carpet for hours looking for crubs my daughter might have dropped.

Normally, we unleash the WND and she trots into the house with look of happy insanity, but yesterday she took off and ran around the corner of the house.

My wife ran after her, yelling her name, but the WND merely looked back at my wife twice before taking off in full-out sprint for the front yard.

Two older hens happened to be walking their 4 pound toy poodle past the house at that moment, so the 70+ pound WND pounced on that poodle like el caballo on an inside fastball.

The two hens started shouting “oh my God! Oh my God!” as the WND growled and snarled and bit into the scruff of the poodle.

My wife grabbed the WND’s collar and pulled her off, but seconds later the WND lunged back at the poodle, who was foolishly barking at the WND, and dragged my 104 pound wife with her.

Her finger was caught in the collar, and she was pulled to the ground and dragged a foot or two as the WND resumed her thrashing of the poodle. (This is how she hurt her finger, and why she was crying.) My wife got to her feet and struggled to gain control of the WND, eventually succeeding.

She apologized to the hens and asked if the poodle was ok, and it appeared to be ok. The hens chastised my wife and continued on their walk.

I’ve noticed that for some reason, the WND has been growling and barking more aggressively at dogs passing by the house. A few times in recent weeks, I’ve had her in the back yard and seen her attempt to run around to the front of the house, but I’ve always been able to call her back. She listens to me, but only pays lip service to commands of others.

It’s funny, this one event has really given me an insight into how the world works, so I will let you in on it.

Apparently, all of the complex functions that drive physical world hinge on me personally being hit up for money like a piñata is hit until it spills it’s payload of candy. No matter the event or situation, it always ends up costing me money.

Nice spring evening + insane dog = upwards of 2000 of my hard-earned clams for a new fence

Makes sense, right?

3:48 PM

Why I Am a Bad Person

The contractors did not show up on Monday as expected.

Tuesday afternoon, my wife emailed to let me know that again no contractors had shown up.

Last week I asked the supervisor to call me Monday afternoon to give me an update on the progress. He took my number and said he would call.

I got no call.

And this is where I begin to get upset.

I simply cannot stand it when people I am paying fail to do what they are supposed to do, and then lie, deceive, or otherwise pass blame off on others. I wasn't upset that they didn't show up, especially if they had a good reason, but why didn't they call?

They didn't call because they are afraid to take responsibility for whatever had transpired. They were afraid to be chewed out or questioned or blamed, so they just acted like an 8 year old child and avoided the whole situation.

This happens quite often, usually at the hands of shop clerks, but the most hilarious example took place about 4 years ago when I had to get part of my center console and electrical system repaired because some ass-smelling-shit-head stole my sweet car CD player.

After retreiving my car from the shop on Friday evening, I noticed that the console lights, heat, and air conditioning controls did not work. Basically everything attached to the new console was not working.

Before heading back to the auto shop on Monday, I had a new car stereo installed on Saturday. On Monday at the auto shop I explained what happened in detail, and it turns out that the power cable behind the console was unplugged.

The guy sat there next to me and insisted that the car stereo installer must have unplugged the cable. I repeatedly explained that the console wasn't working a full 20 hours before I had the stereo installed.

Yet he persisted, ...and I snapped.

I told him to just take fucking responsibility for it. I'm not an idiot. I know that heat was not coming out of the vents and lights were not lighting up, and this was mere minutes after I left their shop on Friday. I experienced the same problem all Friday night and all Saturday morning.

I said that I wasn't even pissed about it. So the cable came undone or was never installed right, I dont know, I don't care. No big deal. Just don't tell me that it was working when I was sitting right there watching it not work.

He lowered his head and said, "All I know is that it was working." He still couldn't admit it. He still couldn't let go of his belief that the stereo installer was at fault and that I was lying or so stupid that I could not tell if my heater and lights were working.

Anyway, ...back to the contractors.

I called the service manager on Tuesday afternoon and they told me they had expected the contractor to show up on Tuesday, but not on Monday. (Arrrgh ...then why no call?!??!) They said his wife has some sort of medical problem and was rushed to the hospital for some sort of major surgery.

Ok. But I was still upset that they did not call. Also, they appeared to have very little control over their contractor because he did not show up for work and they didn't know about it.

I explained that we are trying to schedule a time when we can have a new garage door and opener installed, and that we need to know when the contractor will be done.

The service manager reacted to this information with befuddled annoyance. It's as if the magic words "major surgery" gets them off from performing their contractual obligations. I did have sympathy for the contractor, but I did not express it to her, and that seemed to annoy her.

Am I a bad person for expecting to be informed when people aren't going to be where they told me they would be? Am I a bad person for expecting the company to complete their contractual obligations even when a worker has a personal issue to attend to? Does the contractor's personal life trump everything else? I didn't sign a contract with the contractor, I signed it with their company, and now they are trying to "step out of it" and put it all on me and the contractor.

I would have none of that. I instructed her to call him and find out when he's going to make it back to my garage, and she bitterly agreed to do so, but added that she will call me back "when she hears from him."

So, if he never calls, I never heard from her?

As the service manager, it's her responsibility to make sure the job gets done. If she has to assign a new person to finish it up, then that's what she must do. But if I hadn't made a stink over it, nothing would have happened.

No calls, nothing.

Incidentally, she had someone else call me today and let me know that he will be back on the job tomorrow night, and that he will talk to me about his schedule (I guess I'm functioning as his manager now, ...do I get paid for it?).

I'll make sure to express some sympathy to him personally.

See, I'm not so bad.

2:41 PM

Brew Crew '06

Well, I didn't post my win/loss prediction before the season started, so I won't let their fast start color my original prediction.

I don't think this will be their year.

They are too young and the NL is tougher this year. Houston and St. Louis, while old, are still good enough to keep the Brewers down this year.

But next year, they shalt rock thy world, ...provided Doug Melvin continues his alchemy. El caballo's contract is up this year, so they may have to move him and rely on Hart. I think they should try and get el caballo to extend his contract by two or three years, otherwise we have yet another green-horn to season.

But, they will be better this year. How much better? I say one game a month better.

87-75

No playoffs. :(

5:41 AM

The Garage Lives

When we last looked in on the Leaning Car-hole of Beer Town, I had received a quote of around 1700 clams to fix it. (2k clams with materials)

The company who offered this bid (the lowest bid) was also the only company with both a BBB and NARI membership. So, being one who sees contractors as an evil sub-species not unlike the Hamburgler or French-Canadians, I went with the safer company.

And they haven’t disappointed me yet. They called me back each time I contacted them, and responded to all my requests very quickly. They showed up about an hour and twenty minutes later than I was expecting, but that counts as showing up early in contractor-time.

There are two guys doing the work. One has the beard of a beermeister and a broken foot, but he speaks quite intelligently in a raspy tone. I imagine him to be the kinda guy who likes to talk roadside philosophy while tossing back a few Belgian ales. The other guy looks kind of like a balding, diminutive Nick Bakay.

They did work diligently throughout the day, although they took a 90 minute lunch break, and I’m happy to say that my garage is really looking good.

As you know, the wall (and all the studs in the wall) were leaning towards the garage opening. The tops of the studs were 9 inches out of line from the bottom of the studs. They drilled anchors into the cement and attached them to some come-alongs that they attached to the top-corner of the leaning wall. Then they ratcheted it back 9 inches until it was true.

The weight had shifted so greatly over the years that it took two come-alongs to muscle the walls back into shape. They are letting it sit for the weekend so that the building can resettle itself. On Monday they will start on the opposite wall and rebuild the trusses under my roof.

By this time next week I’ll be spending another 1000 on a new door and magic door opener, then I’ll need a new side entrance door (a screw-it-up-myself job) and I will finally be able to die in peace.

3:20 PM