The Family II
The wife and I mostly agree on how we would like to raise our daughter, but there is one large, meandering issue that we cannot agree on.The wife did not want our child to be given American citizenship. Babies born to American citizen and foreign citizen parents can be given “dual citizenship” status. They can have this status until they are 18 or 21 (can’t remember), at which point they must chose a country. This is the type of citizenship that my daughter has.
My wife also wants to raise our daughter so that she speaks both English and Japanese natively. Apparently this requires my wife to speak to our child only in Japanese for her entire life.
She continuously says that our daughter is not entirely American, she is half Japanese, which I supposed is true. But my wife has no real concept of what it means to “be an American”.
There is no “American ethnicity”, so her statement is nonsensical in that way. Our daughter is actually half Japanese and half Hispanic, to get technical.
You can be born anywhere in the world and still become an American. Being an American is not exclusive with regards to race or origin or lifestyle, it is inclusive based on your desire to take part in our young democratic society and all that it offers you.
The wife is a proud Japanese citizen. She did not come here for a better life, …she came here for me. While her life is and will be better in this country, she will not admit it.
Once while arguing about this, she incredulously said, “It’s like you think the US is the best country in the world!?”
“Of course I do,” I replied. “What other country would it be?”
Of course, I can prove my point and win the argument, but she will never concede and my life will be living hell until she calms down about it (2-3 days), …so I did not press the point.
I know my daughter will generally have better opportunities here. This society is much more accepting of women in powerful roles. This is changing in Japan, but they are not there yet. The best schools in the world are here in the US and in England, so it’s highly likely her secondary education will be here anyway. I tend to think that this will all shake out in the end.
My daughter will be raised here and have a strong exposure to all things American. What worries me is that 18-21 year olds make foolish decisions. What if she turns her back on this country based on the results of an election or to impress her America-hating college buddies.
But what really worries me is the language thing. If she speaks exclusively Japanese to my daughter, that basically prevents us from having a family discussion because I cannot speak Japanese. This also excludes me from all of their conversations, as if a father and daughter needed another communication obstacle. I just imagine sitting in the living room watching tv and listening to them speak to each other in the kitchen in another language. Without realizing it, they would be locking me out of part of their lives, and I don’t want that.
I’ve explained this to her, but she completely fails or refuses to even entertain my concern.
I can be a good debater, but I learned long ago not to unleash my skills on women. They just can’t handle it. They feel it’s personal and insulting when you take their own words and use them to destroy their arguments. And they make you pay for it. Trust me. They make you pay. They may not be right (usually are not), they may not be informed enough to prove their ever-changing point, …but you (as the man) will ALWAYS feel like you lost even if you have won.
Knowing all this, I may go ahead and do it anyway. The end result may be worth it.
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