Mystery Time
Yesterday was a banner day at frogurt estates. It was the day the garage door company would come install my new, steel insta-rust door and click-o-matic openerolla, making my car-hole whole again.Since the beginning of the garage repair saga, my wife and I have been parking our cars on the street. Wednesday night was our LAST night parking on the street, …of course you can guess what happened.
Yes, we both got tickets.
I know what you’re thinking, “you should have bought parking permits you stupid fucking bastards!” But we did! Unfortunately, when you are parked on the “wrong” side of the street, permits are as impotent as a Chad Moeller at the plate (or behind it).
For reasons that I can’t understand, we have to park on the even side of the street on even days and the odd side of the street on odd days. It doesn’t matter how stupid that rule is, we were odd and the day was even.
Total cost for parking my car(s) on the street for a few weeks during the garage repair: $81
$12 permit to cover the last week of March, which is the last month of the first quarter and they only sell the permits by the quarter.
$15 dollar parking ticket for parking on the wrong side of the street.
$24 for two parking permits to cover the first couple of weeks in April.
$30 in parking tickets for parking on the wrong side of the street again.
Next up, my mouth.
A nagging toothache got worse on Wednesday, so I booked time at the local crack-tooth for Thursday AM. This caused me to cancel two appointments I made with fence companies to quote me on the cost of fencing in the WND.
The smaller fence company guy (let’s call him Al) decided to come anyway and asked me to leave them a sketch of what I wanted. The bigger fence company guy (let’s call him Geezer) never got my message about the cancellation and came at the same time as the smaller fence company. I’m sure I missed one sweet fence-oriented kung-fu throwdown.
Both of them were dueling quotes in my yard at the same time the garage door workers were there installing my door.
An Order
Obviously attracted by all the money bleeding from my pockets, the city inspector came by at the same time.
He was interested in a small (SMALL) pile of debris in my backyard that was the byproduct of the recent construction and repair work. I had planned to transport this SMALL pile to the city dump on Saturday.
Well, I guess one of my lovely neighbors called the city to report me, because he left me with an order to clean up my “nuisance” within 24 hours.
The SMALL pile of debris is actually only half debris, half perfectly good woodpile. It is on my property, and obscured from the public by my garbage cans and a series of shrubs. It is inaccessible by the public unless they enter my property and walk around my garage bin area.
Anyway, this qualifies as a “nuisance” to someone in my neighborhood. But who?
Here’s my list of suspects:
Alternative lifestyle couple to the south
Unlikely. Although I was mad at them last year for feeding water to the WND in a way that implied I was a negligent dog owner, we get along well and are buddies now. Also, I just talked to them this weekend and told them I planned to move the wood pile by Saturday. However, she was silent when I said this, so maybe she had already registered her complaint. Again unlikely because she was out of town all week prior.
Oddly hostile couple to the north
Actually, only the women is hostile, and only hostile to me for reasons I think I’ve figured out. Her face is a dead ringer for Ana Kournikova, but her body is a dead ringer for present day Britney Spears. I think her hostility is based on the fact that she was once very attractive and probably looked down at guys like me who were beneath her and would never have a shot with her. But now, I’m clearly in her league if not out of her league, and I think she resents it. I say this because she was hostile from day one, when I hadn’t even had the opportunity to aggrieve her. Her husband is ok, though. Seems like a normal guy with a normal face. The women is a stay-at-home mom, so she has enough time to obsess over my wood pile, and she already doesn’t like me. She’s my number 1 suspect.
Women across the alley with invisible husband
I’ve met and talked to the women, but never seen the husband. I assume he exists because there is a sports car in the garage, and she drives a different car. They seem like the kind of people who would call the city on my, but I doubt they an even see it from their garage. They are suspects number 2 by default.
The old couple
They live a house away to the south. They are skiddish and suspicious. Also, they gave my alternative lifestyle neighbor a hard time about a bush planted near the property line. They are exactly the type of people to do this, …but they are old. I doubt they ever saw the woodpile because you would kinda have to be on foot to see it.
I suspect everyone, and I suspect no one. But I am going to test my neighbors to see if they betray themselves. And yes, I am going to obsess about this.
I will get revenge.
<< Home