On the Plane
I'm at 36,000 feet, about an hour and a half outside of Tokyo. The computerized flight map counts down the hours, miles, and kilometers until I drop into the marriage pre-game show. The long customs and immigration lines, the baggage lines, money exchange, two long train rides, and I'm picking up my wedding band at a jeweler near the Tachikawa station.In two days I'll slide that ring on my finger and somehow find the will power to convince myself that it will stay there forever. It may. It may not. That's natural. But it HAS TO last because of the coming kid, ...and that feels a bit unnatural to me. Those who know me know that I'm not comfortable letting other forces guide my way in life.
For example, I always need to drive no matter where we go or what we do. I volunteer to drive. When someone breaks up with me I take it poorly because a significant decision about my life was not only made without my input, but directly against my wishes. In those situations, emotion is secondary.
This is no different.
Several hours ago we were over the Yukon. I saw hundreds of miles of white mountains, ...massives waves of whiteness showing no rock, no trees, no water, ...just whiteness as endless as the sky. A few hours later I saw the cracked and massive ice sheet covering the Bering Straight, looking more like a land mass than a thin layer of ice over thousands of miles of arctic water. Right now I see nothing but blanket of clouds rolling under me like of insulation in an attic. Somewhere under there is the Pacific, the ocean of choice for 20th century wars.
The inflight movies offered me a chance to see Matchstick Men, Finding Nemo, and a terrible Japanese movie called Trick. In Matchstick Men we are treated to the twitchy foibles of Roy the con man who has just met his 14 year old daughter for the first time. In fact, he did not even know she existed until 20-30 minutes into the movie. Predictably, this situation stresses him out, but I couldn't help thinking he was getting off easy. Imagine finding out just as suddenly and unexpectedly that you are about to have a son or daughter, ...and you get to finance, care for, mentor, worry after, transport, feed, clean, encourage, and "father" this child for the next 18 years at least (unless a tragedy takes place, in which case, you have just experienced the worst of all possible emotions). So much to look forward to, so much to fear.
This fear changes you, as it probably should. I cannot watch any movie or television show without relating the parent/child relationships to my future. The frightening prospects of fatherhood grow on me all day like a 5 o'clock shadow. It is both endlessly recurring and unavoidable.
This isn't such a suprise, almost every dad goes through this, ...the anxiety, the conflicting emotions, the vague notion of happiness that seems entirely out of place for some reason.
What worries me more is the marriage to be.
Couples fall in love, then begin a relationship that naturally tests their love and either strengthens it or ends it. My fiance and I haven't had this opportunity. Let me lay it on the line. We haven't fallen in love yet.
Yes, we love each other. But, we kinda have to love each other.
This is not to say that the only reason we are in this relationship is because we are forced into it. That's not the case. But the fact that we didn't have the chance to fall more deeply in love BEFORE the pregnancy, leaves me some doubt.
If we weren't expecting, perhaps we'd have grown distant from one another or met someone else. Perhaps we would have failed as a couple, or perhaps we wouldn't have lived up to each other's expectations. Perhaps we'd have fallen in love anyway, but there is always that doubt.
And I can't even say that "time will tell", because the baby changes everything. Maybe our relationship would have worked without the pregnancy, but will fail because of it.
I know it's not worth worrying about, but if I only worried about things that called for it, ...well ...I'd be someone ELSE.
Of course, everything could work out famously. That's a REAL possibility, and not really a long shot. You know what Gene Wilder said in Willy Wonka, ..."You know what happened to the man who got everything he ever wanted, don't you?"
"He lived happily ever after."
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